Don't Waste Your Time

Have you ever wished you weren't at work? Not me, I freakin' love this place. The temperature is always acceptable and there's a bathroom right down the hallway. Legit. I found a dollar on the bathroom floor yesterday. I snatched that mug up real quick and hauled butt out of there. Then I peed in my pants cuz I forgot to do it in the bathroom. Finding that dollar had me all twisted up, you know what I'm screamin'? I went and saw Robin Hood last weekend. It sucked because there weren't any singing roosters in it. If I lived on a farm, I'd totally teach my roosters how to sing. Believe that, believe that fo sho. Fo sho. Whenever you were a kid did you use to reenact fight scenes where you were surrounded by like 15 guys and you took them all out by spinning around with your arms out and hitting them all in the face? Not me, so unrealistic. I wanna punch someone in the face right now, just unload the passionate fury built up in my fist all over someone's nose. What if I did that? What if I did that for real? What if I walked right up to someone and punched them in the face for real? Haha, oh man, I couldn't even imagine. I'm so gonna be Jack Bauer when I grow up. My days are gonna feel like they're 6 months long and I'm never going to go to the bathroom and my best friend is going to be Freddie Prinze Jr. and my daughter will be the girl from The Girl Next Door and Obama will turn into the guy from the Allstate commercials but I'm so gonna hide in a closet when there are 5 minutes left of every hour cuz that's when all the bad stuff happens. I went to Pink Berry last night. The gay guy behind the counter was all, "Have you been here before?" and I was all, "I ain't gay!" and he was all "What can I get for you?" and I was all "A small passion fruit with animal crackers, pronto!" Sometimes when you're rolling with the punches you've gotta go against the grain so the bird in the hand can be killed with one stone left unturned while your eyes are on the prize and your nose is at the grindstone and your head is in the clouds and your back is against the wall. I'm about to eat some croutons.