The Kick-The-Bucket Bucket List

My roommate, Michael Dooley, and I have an understanding. Whichever one of us dies first (and it will probably be him), the surviving person will officiate that person's funeral. It makes sense, really. We live together, we know each other, we are both men of immense talents. Why not direct the other person's funeral? I asked Michael to jot down his funeral demands for me just in case he kicks the bucket some time soon, so I'll know what to do. Here is what he said. Remember, some names mentioned are just friends of ours that we would trust to run specific parts of the funeral. OK, here you go:

My funeral is going to be the Hottest Party in the DF-Dub. I thought about hosting it in a different location maybe an Island or perhaps in Times Square but I want everybody to be able to come so instead its going to be at the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. I want my viewing and funeral to happen at the same time. For those who come to the funeral and they will come will be able to view my body as well as watch the program. Ok here is how its going to go down.

I want the funeral to start promptly @7:30. However the procession will start about noon that day. Obviously I will have a police escort and then all my close friends and family will be in the procession as well. But my casket will be carried by two huge White Siberian Tigers. Also I want Kaleb Moore to be on top of the casket with a Mic and stand on top of the casket. As my body goes through the city (We will start in Downtown dallas and make our way all the way over to the cowboys stadium. We will be broadcasted on EVERY news channel known to mankind and will be followed by the Conan blimp.) As the Tigers carry my body I want Kaleb to perform various acoustic acts while standing on my casket that include but are not limited to: Mission 3:16 by Carmen, I don't wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith, Imma Flirt by R. Kelly, All i do is Win by DJ Khaled, and anything else he choose but his last song will be Riot by Carmen.

Once we make it to the cowboy stadium here is what is going to happen. First I want the Mav's dancers (The Hottest Dance Team in the NBA) to be dancing on the field around my burial site...yes I am getting buried under the cowboys stadium. I want opening acts of Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake and Eminem....When the time comes which Kaleb will decide...I want my casket lowered from the top of the stadium, Smoke, Fireworks, Lasers the whole shebang. Kaleb will be riding my casket down from the top preforming a mashup of My Sacrifice by Creed and Bootyman by Craig David. I have personally picked out his wardrobe..he will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt, a bowtie and buttless chaps. At the site of this the crowd will erupt with sheer excitement of being so close to my body.

Once Kaleb and I have made it down to the stage where I will be lowered into the ground He will take me out of the casket and do several ventriloquist acts of his choosing. I just ask that at some point we perform together my Choreographed routine of IMMA BE by Black Eye Peas (Mavs Dancers are included in this also) Then Kaleb will perform select readings with me on his lap...this readings will be an over view of my life. He will take you on a journey of "The Doolz" and leave you in awe of the life I lived. My body will be dressed in Basketball Shorts, a Hoodie and a boston hat.

After the reading I would like to grant some time for Kaleb to do whatever he pleases as a part of the show. He will have about 20 minutes...This is also the time he will present his version of the Eulogy.

As the time comes for my body to be lowered into the ground I want the Mav's Dancers dancing around my grave site. As I am lowered into my grave, I do not wish to be in a casket. I would like my body harnessed up and lowered down. As I am being lowered down a select few of the dancers that Kaleb chooses will be harnessed up and dancing around me. Kaleb will have a cape on by this time and he will be soaring around us all. He will be preforming selections such as God is in Control by Twila Paris and Testify to Love by Avalon. As I am going down into the abyss I would like to be holding the largest sparklers known to mankind in each of my hands.

Once I am lowered down into the grave the Mav's Dancers will be the ones to bury me. They we start shoveling dirt on me and Kaleb will be spraying them down with water. Picture it.. Mud, Water, Mav's Dancers, Kaleb singing How Low by Ludacris and Sexy Can I by Ray-J.... Once the burial is complete I want the night to be ended with a tribute concert to our Boxcar Racer cover band.

Important Details to Not forget:
Sheriff Blalock's and China King Super Buffet will cater.
Ashley Cyrek will assist Kaleb Moore in the Planning, Logistics, and production of the program
Brendan Smith will broadcast live on-location..It will be aired by every network and they all will air him. If they do not air Brendan's broadcast then Landon "Hot Buns" Turrubiarte will pay each network a personal visit and lets just say that won't be very pleasant.

So there's Michael's funeral. Hard to follow that, I know, but I figured I must go ahead and jot down my funeral plans as well in case Michael gets stuck with mine. So here you go:

No matter what time of year that I die, my funeral will be held at South Fork Ranch during Celebrate Freedom. By this time, I will have signed an exclusive deal with ABC Family for them to create a made for TV movie about my life, starring the guy who plays Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars as me, and the girl who plays Aria as whoever my love interest is. Because of this, everyone can tune into my funeral on ABC Family in 3D HD. It will be hosted by ABC Family kingpins, Rob Lowe and Mario Lopez.

After several hours of Monk and Neagle, Raze, Hawk Nelson, and Stacie Orrico, we will begin the festivities. It will be around 9 PM, when it is good and dark outside. A firework show will begin, and it will be set to the second full length studio album from John Mayer, Heavier Things, the one no one really knows. Upon completion of the final note of the final song, there will be a huge explosion, and you will faintly begin to see the outline of a parachute drifting downwards towards the earth. It will land perfectly center stage. Immediately, Michael Dooley will blast forth from the casket to be welcomed by a roaring ovation from the assumed Christian crowd. The casket will quickly transform, much like Optimus Prime, into a white baby grand piano, and Michael will play his mash up of Airplanes by B.O.B. and In The End by Linkin Park. After a 40-45 minute stand-up comedy routine, Michael will sit back down at the piano while another piano emerges from beneath the stage opposite of him. Mark Schultz will then come out and they will play a dueling pianos version of "Move" by Ludacris. At this point, a spotlight will appear at the top of the stage above the scaffolding, where I will be standing. What people will not know yet is that I have been working for years with NASA scientists to implant technology into my body that will allow me to dance any time I hear music after I'm dead just like "Weekend at Bernie's." I'll perform a lengthy routine to the music that will more than likely reflect Natalie Portman's final dance scene in Black Swan. After that, I'll just jump off the scaffolding and land on my face on the stage, since I'm already dead. Michael will place me on a golden throne as the funeral continues.

This will be a perfect spot for intermission. During intermission, Shane and Shane will take 15 minutes to speak with the crowd about world missions and sponsoring a child, while everyone has a chance to get up, use the portipotties, get some Dr. Pepper or a funnel cake, and do the football throw at the DBU tent. Once we return, Michael will introduce my mom and dad to the stage. My mom will bring up her lap top on stage and just update her status on Facebook to "Sitting at Kaleb's funeral. So many people I know here! Funnel cakes smell delish!" and my dad will perform his favorite song, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, which will take precisely 4 seconds because he only knows the first line. Michael will then introduce my good friend, John Wall, who will come on stage and do his Washington Wizards introduction dance for 7 and a half minutes in silence. After he leaves the stage to no applause, Michael will introduce my last guest, Kirk Cameron. Before Kirk even comes on stage, Michael will thank him for coming and we will move on.

Michael and I will then perform the final dance scene from Save the Last Dance between Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas to an all hand bell choir playing the song "I Try to Say Goodbye and I Choke" by Macy Gray. Michael will then quickly clear the stage as I am left alone on center stage in the spotlight. The side stages will be filled with Celebrate Freedom headliners such as Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, MercyMe, The Katinas, Newsboys, U2, Kesha, Bruno Mars, Lady Antebellum, the Def Leppard drummer, a Def Poetry Jam artist, Zach Attack (Zach Morris's band from Saved by the Bell), Joey Fatone, and any surviving members of the Kaleb Moore Band. They will be playing a "we are the world" type rendition of the smash hit, "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" I will hip thrust through the entire song. Their final note will be a high E hit by new Kaleb Moore Band lead singer, Daniel Nix. At this point, I will spontaneously combust, blasting my innards all over the entire audience. Everyone will then run to their cars doing their best Kermit the Frog impression, yelling loudly with their hands over their heads and their wrists flopping wildly. South Fork Ranch will forever afterwards be set up as a historical site, and will never be stepped foot on again.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.... For real

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the land

Every person was smitten; child, woman and man.

The joy hung thick just like a wreath on a door

As it equalized rich folk, middle-class and poor.

The malls were small kingdoms with gates opened wide

And minions and paupers were jam-packed inside

So willing to buy from those willing to sell,

It seemed that those Kay Jewelers ads worked out well.

As the weather turned colder, their hearts heated up

As they sipped from their tall red and white Starbucks cup.

There were argyle sweaters and peacoats galore

And Ugg boots and mittens and thermals and more.

The bell-ringers chimed and the choirs all sang

Through the streets and the town-squares, their loud voices rang.

Every person was filled to the brim with good cheer.

It was their kind of Christmas, it was that kind of year.

But underneath all of the songs and the snow

Past the striped candy canes and the Christmas light glow

There was one who was not buying into the hype

'cuz his heart was pitch black, and they called him "The Gripe."

It was that time of year that the Gripe would come out,

And while others were joyful, the Gripe would just pout.

"Bah Humbug!", he'd scream to the quaint passers-by

while the boys would run scared and the girls would just cry.

"Bah Humbug to you and this whole holiday,

Save your 'Merries' and 'Jollies' and just go away!

Though my heart is as cold as the snow and the ice

This world's better when everyone's not so fake-nice!"

So the people would leave him alone on the street

Since he snarled and snapped at every person he'd meet.

'Til that one fateful day he was walking alone,

It was late Christmas Eve, everyone was at home

Except some who were packed in a church on the corner.

"I'll ruin this scene," said that awful, ol' scorner.

The Gripe walked up the steps and he slipped through the door

And he glided across that old sawdusted floor.

He was caught off guard quickly by beautiful sounds

As the small congregation sang hymns in their rounds.

He stood still in the back as he took it all in,

As they sang of the star, and the sheep and wise men.

Then they quietly crooned a familiar old tune

Of the birth that took place that one night 'neath the moon

And the child that was sent down for me and for you

And, believe it or not, was sent for The Gripe, too,

From a Father who watches us all from above.

No one ever had told The Gripe there was such love.

As he stood in that spot, in the back of the room

The Gripe's heart started opening up, like a tomb.

With his hands firmly clasped, down his cheek rolled a tear

And he finally understood their Christmas cheer.

So remember among all this holiday time

That this season is more than just nickels and dimes.

It's about a small child who was sent here to earth,

And a Savior who saw you for more than you're worth.

Youth Camp Countdown

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to play with The KalebMoore Band (The KMB, if you will. And you will...) at the great Mt. Lebanon. We usually get to play a couple of camps each summer, but this was our only one this year, and it was a doozy. I say that because it was much larger than any camp we've ever played. There were right around 1,000 students at the camp, and I feel like I met all of them. There was a bit of nostalgia involved because I attended both children's camp and youth camp at Mt. Lebanon while I was growing up. After our sets, I would sit in the back of the sanctuary listening to Scott Venable speak while I was completely enveloped in youth sweat and stank. I realized that there is a checklist that each youth group must meet before they are allowed to return to their homes from camp. I have comprised this list below, in no particular order. Please enjoy...

1. No one can take showers more than twice. Most people pass it off as simply not having time, but the truth is that most people just forgot their soap, or they can't take showers among other people without wearing a swimsuit. Then there are your group of people who "swam this afternoon, so I don't really need to take a shower." This, of course, results in kids bringing their bags back home to mom while mom realizes she only needs to wash two pair of underwear because the rest weren't used.

2. You must wear a bandana at some point during the week. It can be wrapped around your head, your arm, or maybe even your leg, but it must be done. This has replaced guys cutting their sleeves off their camp t-shirts and wearing one of the sleeves on their head, which is what was popular in my day. Not sure which one is worse.

3. You must flirt with someone on staff. It may be the girl serving you food, the guy running blind volleyball, or even a lifeguard. If you at least came back to your friends with a "he/she talked to me!!!", then you've succeeded.

4. At least one guy in your group has to shave his head into a mohawk. There is no explanation for this. It doesn't look good, on anyone, and it ultimately results in a complete shaving of your head at home while your parents look on in disappointment. Regardless, it must happen.

5. There must be at least one night where the guys try to sneak over to the girls cabin. This usually happens on the last night after the guys have spent the first 4 days putting together the perfect plan. The unsuccessful missions result in unbelievably angry youth ministers chasing you back to your room, and you dive into your bed pretending to be asleep, swearing to yourself that you heard him say a cuss word. The successful missions usually run you directly into the only female counselor that agreed to go camping and is now sleeping on the other side of the cabin door. Most guys think it's an ogre, and they run back to their rooms and develop new ghost stories about the ogre in the girl's cabin who kind of looks like Melissa's mom.

6. At least half of the girls in each group must immediately fall in love with the drummer of the band. As a matter of fact, most girls are prepared, knowing full well that it doesn't even matter if they ever see the drummer, they are still going to fall in love with him. This, my friends, is true love.

7. There must be at least one counselor in each group that all of the other counselors absolutely hate having there. Normally you will find this counselor making statements like, "How many of y'all have ever tried the milk challenge?" or "I've got a great idea for a chant every time we walk into the cafeteria."

8. There has to be that one kid who won't do ANYTHING! He might be back in the cabin sleeping, getting lost in the woods, or is now hanging out with another church. However you slice it, this kid exists in every youth group. "Hey, where's Timmy?" "I heard him say crab soccer was gay right before he ran off into the woods."

9. There must be that guy who comes to camp only for the rec/tournaments. You know who I'm talking about. It's the guy who wears a different cut-off sleeve shirt every day, the only difference being which sport is on the front, along with gym shorts and tennis shoes. He swaggers through every rec game with a look on his face that says, "I'll give y'all a chance and just go at about 40% right now. Don't make me go 75%." He's also the guy that loses the basketball tournament in the finals and can no longer focus on worship or small group times because he is so disappointed in himself. Speaking of small group times...

10. There must be a Thursday night cry-fest. This usually begins in the sanctuary after the band has played 14 songs during invitation and spills into small groups. Usually, the youth minister is leading everyone in "Sanctuary" or "Heart of Worship" on guitar. Inside the circle, guys are breaking their Puddle of Mudd CDs. Outside of the circle, girls who have been ignoring each other all week because Lisa talked to the lifeguard even though Mandy had dibs on him are now hugging it out and snotting all over each other. If this has not happened, you simply have just not had a good week. This, of course, ends in silence while the youth minister makes everyone quietly go to their cabins so the guys can sneak over to the girls room.

All this to say, I love youth camp! And if you're reading this and you were at at Mt. Lebanon, I miss you and love you guys! WHO-oh-OH-oh-OH-oohhh!!!

A Salute to Forgotten Television

I was kickin' it with my roommate the other day and we were discussing the greatness of the hit TV show, Friday Night Lights. I love this show with all of my heart, and I firmly believe that this love exists because of my connection with the lead actor, Kyle Chandler. Chandler plays Coach Taylor in the FNL series, but for guys like my roommate and me, we appreciate him for what he brought to television in the 90's. Back in 1996, Kyle Chandler played the role of Gary Hobson. Gary woke up every morning to be welcomed by a cat and a copy of the Chicago Sun Times. The thing is, he was receiving the paper from tomorrow. Therefore, Gary would have a day to check out the disasters that were recorded in the paper, then do his best to prevent them. The show was called Early Edition, and it was brilliance. As my roomie and I talked about old times and the impact that show had on us, we started talking about old, forgotten 90's TV shows. It hurts my heart to know that many shows I grew up on have fallen into the TV Land Abyss if they are lucky, most don't even get the dignity of re-runs. Regardless, I have been on a "list-making" kick as of late, so I wanted to pay my respects by honoring them in my List of Shows That Ended Too Soon. You might catch a show or two that were towards the end of the 80's, but for the most part, these are all 90's gems. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or want to add to the list. (Disclaimer: Don't add Saved by the Bell or Seinfeld or The Simpsons or any show like this to the list. Those shows are NOT and NEVER WILL BE forgotten!!!)

Early Edition

Quantum Leap

Nowhere Man

Sons of Thunder

Angel

California Dreams

Goosebumps

Night Court

Just Shoot Me

Lois and Clark

Thunder in Paradise

Wings

Nash Bridges

Mad About You

Northern Exposure

Sister, Sister

Picket Fences

Unhappily Ever After

Perfect Strangers

Two Guys and a Girl (Quiz: What was the original name of this show, and what major movie star's career did this show jump start?)

I Won't Stand For It

I am not a man who cares for most things. That is something that I declare boldly because if you know me at all, it is a glaring character trait. I can be fairly outspoken regarding people, places, or things that are ridiculous or unnecessary. I feel like we should all be this way. There are too many things in the world that we live in that we have tolerated for far too long. If we take a stand against these things, perhaps they will go away and maybe, just maybe, life will be a little more enjoyable. I have made a short list of such things. This is not a complete list, just a number of things I have compiled over the past several weeks. Feel free to add to it if you'd like, because I certainly will be doing a "Part 2" at some point. So here it is, my official list of "Intolerable things that we tolerate."

Guys with earrings

Girls with lower back tattoos

Movies with love scenes in the rain

People who say "all that jazz"

People who still quote Napoleon Dynamite

The Wave at sporting events

People who say "bada-bing bada-boom"

Informational tweets

Southern Baptist preacher euphemisms

Hand holding above the table with elbows firmly planted and palms toward the sky while blessing the food

Affliction shirts

Toms

Glee

Commercials geared specifically toward lady problems that pop up in prime eating hours

Ke$ha

Couple pictures taken by the actual couple while extending the camera

People who say "You working hard or hardly working?"

People who say "What are you up to? No good?"

People who actually answer when you ask "How ya doing?"

All small talk in general

Guys wearing tight jeans

Guys who roll up their jeans like capris

Guys who wear tight jeans and roll them up while wearing Toms

Uggs

Bumper stickers

Concerts where the lead singer says "How ya feelin' (insert city name here)!!!"

Sandals

Movie scenes where people scream "NOOOOOO!!!" in slow motion

Guys who take the elevator to the second floor of a gym

Faux hawks

Popped collars

People who always tuck their shirts in when they don't have to

Tyrese Gibson

The movie The Day After Tomorrow

Girls who sound like a mouse being stepped on when they sneeze

Toboggans with the tiny brim

Bandanas worn on any part of the body

American flag shirts

People who call their iPhone their "iPhone" instead of just their "phone"

People who overuse abbreviations, like "fave" or "presh"

People who use text abbreviations in every day speech, like "LOL" or "BRB"

Drive-thru workers who ask if I want something else after I give my order, or make me give my order then obviously don't hear me so they make guesses about everything when they read the order back instead of just asking me to repeat myself

McDonald's commercials

The WNBA

Hemp necklaces

Intolerance

Don't Waste Your Time

Have you ever wished you weren't at work? Not me, I freakin' love this place. The temperature is always acceptable and there's a bathroom right down the hallway. Legit. I found a dollar on the bathroom floor yesterday. I snatched that mug up real quick and hauled butt out of there. Then I peed in my pants cuz I forgot to do it in the bathroom. Finding that dollar had me all twisted up, you know what I'm screamin'? I went and saw Robin Hood last weekend. It sucked because there weren't any singing roosters in it. If I lived on a farm, I'd totally teach my roosters how to sing. Believe that, believe that fo sho. Fo sho. Whenever you were a kid did you use to reenact fight scenes where you were surrounded by like 15 guys and you took them all out by spinning around with your arms out and hitting them all in the face? Not me, so unrealistic. I wanna punch someone in the face right now, just unload the passionate fury built up in my fist all over someone's nose. What if I did that? What if I did that for real? What if I walked right up to someone and punched them in the face for real? Haha, oh man, I couldn't even imagine. I'm so gonna be Jack Bauer when I grow up. My days are gonna feel like they're 6 months long and I'm never going to go to the bathroom and my best friend is going to be Freddie Prinze Jr. and my daughter will be the girl from The Girl Next Door and Obama will turn into the guy from the Allstate commercials but I'm so gonna hide in a closet when there are 5 minutes left of every hour cuz that's when all the bad stuff happens. I went to Pink Berry last night. The gay guy behind the counter was all, "Have you been here before?" and I was all, "I ain't gay!" and he was all "What can I get for you?" and I was all "A small passion fruit with animal crackers, pronto!" Sometimes when you're rolling with the punches you've gotta go against the grain so the bird in the hand can be killed with one stone left unturned while your eyes are on the prize and your nose is at the grindstone and your head is in the clouds and your back is against the wall. I'm about to eat some croutons.

Wedding of the Century

I sing at a buttload of weddings. Maybe it's because I'm so freakin' romantic. I honestly have no idea how many weddings I've sang at, but I would be willing to guess it is upwards of 20. Recently I had the amazing opportunity to sing at one of my best friend's weddings, Stephanie Sefton (now Stephanie Kennedy). She got married on the weekend it snowed.... On the first day of Spring. How awesome is that? She married a really cool cat, so best of luck to both of them. This all got me thinking, when am I going to be able to sing at my own wedding??

(Pause for laughter)........

OK, naysayers, maybe one of these days I WILL get married, so you can stop pointing and laughing at the computer screen, mom. I don't think many guys put much thought into their wedding day. Well, I have, and if my future wife is out there reading this, prepare yourself for the greatest day of your life, because I'm going to blow your mind. Here is what my wedding is going to look like.

I'll be crazy famous by then, so it will be run much like a concert. Doors open at 6:15, show starts at 6:30. When the doors explode open, thousands of people will be pouring through to get front row seats. It will look much like a camp when youth run into the worship center right before a MercyMe concert. Of course, my wedding will be in Nokia Theater to hold the overflow. As people enter, my band will be rocking it out with power love ballads such as "Open Arms" by Journey and "Bootyman" by Craig David. Five minutes before the wedding is to begin, the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir will appear from behind curtains, accompanied by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra playing "The Carol of the Bells." The bridesmaids and groomsmen will be shot upwards from beneath the floor much like Garth Brooks does at his live shows. From behind the choir emerges Kirk Franklin, who will officiate the wedding. On the last note, the bride will be thrown from below the stage straight into the air, and will be stunted by male cheerleaders from Baylor University. Now that everyone is in place, the band will begin to play "The Final Countdown" as the lights dim. I will descend from the ceiling on wires with angel wings on my back and will take several minutes to soar over the crowd, dropping sunflowers and Snickers on the jealous women drooling below me. Once I am in place, the wedding will begin, but Kirk will basically be shouting the vows the entire time to R&B music, because I think that's all he knows how to do. After we light the unity candle, I will reveal my new hit single, "I Just Can't Wait to Consummate." It will be breathtaking. Once Kirk pronounces us husband and wife, we'll make out for a few minutes while the crowd goes insane and the band plays "Christmas Shoes." I'll then turn towards the crowd and drop a smoke bomb. When the smoke clears, everyone on stage will be gone. The only things that will be left are several white tigers and David Blaine. Majestic.

You're all invited.