The Most Wonderful Time of the Year???

For those who know me, I'm not a big holiday fan. Mainly, I can't stand Valentine's Day and Christmas. Now look, I'm not trying to get into any debates with anybody here, I just don't like it. If you like Christmas, that's fine. You're stupid, but that's fine. So back in the day I wrote a blog about my feelings towards Christmas, and I thought I would revive it. Here it is, the old "Merry Christmas, Suckers" blog with a few updates I threw in. Enjoy, and I hope you all get lumps of coal.

I hate Christmas. Have I ever told you that? Hate it. "Why Kaleb, why on God's glorious green and red earth would you hate such a magical holiday filled with love and good cheer?" If you asked that question, I hate you, too. People like you make me throw up all over myself. Well, not really throw up all over myself, but more so just kind of in my mouth. You know the kind, when you swallow it back down, then pop in some Orbit gum so you don't have puke-breath. Now don't get me wrong, there are parts of Christmas that I like. I like the music for about two weeks or so, and I like going home and spending time with my family. Well, at least my immediate family. Everything else is simply sickening. I hate the build-up of Christmas that starts after Halloween. I hate the let down after the presents are opened in 3 minutes time. I hate the fake jollyness that people lay on really thick just because "it's that special time of year." I hate the bell-ringers who stare at me the whole time I'm walking into Wal-Mart and then make me feel guilty when I don't give them anything by saying, "God bless you, sir." I hate when I walk by these bell-ringers that I have to pat my pockets and shrug my shoulders at them to let them know I don't have anything (I really do this), then pretend like I'm on my cell phone when I'm walking out. I hate shopping, and I hate malls, and I hate the crowds. I hate the Zales commercials where one guy is walking out of the store and slaps high fives with the guy walking into the store while that ridiculous Vanessa Carlton song plays in the background. I hate the new commercial with the guy and his girlfriend at the cabin in the storm and he gives that creepy line, "I'm right here.... And I always will be." I hate the confusion of decorating a tree when it's 72 degrees outside. I hate watching the little couples walk around with their stupid mittens and matching toboggans and kissing under mistletoe, which is a poisonous plant for a reason! I hate the endless, worthless, crappy movies that TBS and ABC Family play all the time like Home Alone 3, Jingle All The Way, Santa Baby Christmas Maybe, Christmas Shoes, The Dog that Saved Christmas, Jack Frost, even Elf, and I hate how Rob Lowe seems to find his way into most of these movies. I hate Christmas parties and giving White Elephant gifts. We get it, your gift was a gift someone gave you last year, or it was inappropriate, or it was, oh my gosh this is so funny, an actual ceramic white elephant! I hate Christmas cards and receiving family Christmas cards and taking photos for family Christmas cards (sorry Mom). And if I see a freakin' reindeer anytime soon, I'm gonna put a hole in it's head, mount it on my wall, and show my niece and nephew on Christmas morning. So that's it! Merry Christmas, you suckers, and Bah Humbug!!!