Thursday, December 16, 2010

Merry Christmas.... For real

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the land

Every person was smitten; child, woman and man.

The joy hung thick just like a wreath on a door

As it equalized rich folk, middle-class and poor.

The malls were small kingdoms with gates opened wide

And minions and paupers were jam-packed inside

So willing to buy from those willing to sell,

It seemed that those Kay Jewelers ads worked out well.

As the weather turned colder, their hearts heated up

As they sipped from their tall red and white Starbucks cup.

There were argyle sweaters and peacoats galore

And Ugg boots and mittens and thermals and more.

The bell-ringers chimed and the choirs all sang

Through the streets and the town-squares, their loud voices rang.

Every person was filled to the brim with good cheer.

It was their kind of Christmas, it was that kind of year.

But underneath all of the songs and the snow

Past the striped candy canes and the Christmas light glow

There was one who was not buying into the hype

'cuz his heart was pitch black, and they called him "The Gripe."

It was that time of year that the Gripe would come out,

And while others were joyful, the Gripe would just pout.

"Bah Humbug!", he'd scream to the quaint passers-by

while the boys would run scared and the girls would just cry.

"Bah Humbug to you and this whole holiday,

Save your 'Merries' and 'Jollies' and just go away!

Though my heart is as cold as the snow and the ice

This world's better when everyone's not so fake-nice!"

So the people would leave him alone on the street

Since he snarled and snapped at every person he'd meet.

'Til that one fateful day he was walking alone,

It was late Christmas Eve, everyone was at home

Except some who were packed in a church on the corner.

"I'll ruin this scene," said that awful, ol' scorner.

The Gripe walked up the steps and he slipped through the door

And he glided across that old sawdusted floor.

He was caught off guard quickly by beautiful sounds

As the small congregation sang hymns in their rounds.

He stood still in the back as he took it all in,

As they sang of the star, and the sheep and wise men.

Then they quietly crooned a familiar old tune

Of the birth that took place that one night 'neath the moon

And the child that was sent down for me and for you

And, believe it or not, was sent for The Gripe, too,

From a Father who watches us all from above.

No one ever had told The Gripe there was such love.

As he stood in that spot, in the back of the room

The Gripe's heart started opening up, like a tomb.

With his hands firmly clasped, down his cheek rolled a tear

And he finally understood their Christmas cheer.

So remember among all this holiday time

That this season is more than just nickels and dimes.

It's about a small child who was sent here to earth,

And a Savior who saw you for more than you're worth.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Youth Camp Countdown

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to play with The KalebMoore Band (The KMB, if you will. And you will...) at the great Mt. Lebanon. We usually get to play a couple of camps each summer, but this was our only one this year, and it was a doozy. I say that because it was much larger than any camp we've ever played. There were right around 1,000 students at the camp, and I feel like I met all of them. There was a bit of nostalgia involved because I attended both children's camp and youth camp at Mt. Lebanon while I was growing up. After our sets, I would sit in the back of the sanctuary listening to Scott Venable speak while I was completely enveloped in youth sweat and stank. I realized that there is a checklist that each youth group must meet before they are allowed to return to their homes from camp. I have comprised this list below, in no particular order. Please enjoy...

1. No one can take showers more than twice. Most people pass it off as simply not having time, but the truth is that most people just forgot their soap, or they can't take showers among other people without wearing a swimsuit. Then there are your group of people who "swam this afternoon, so I don't really need to take a shower." This, of course, results in kids bringing their bags back home to mom while mom realizes she only needs to wash two pair of underwear because the rest weren't used.

2. You must wear a bandana at some point during the week. It can be wrapped around your head, your arm, or maybe even your leg, but it must be done. This has replaced guys cutting their sleeves off their camp t-shirts and wearing one of the sleeves on their head, which is what was popular in my day. Not sure which one is worse.

3. You must flirt with someone on staff. It may be the girl serving you food, the guy running blind volleyball, or even a lifeguard. If you at least came back to your friends with a "he/she talked to me!!!", then you've succeeded.

4. At least one guy in your group has to shave his head into a mohawk. There is no explanation for this. It doesn't look good, on anyone, and it ultimately results in a complete shaving of your head at home while your parents look on in disappointment. Regardless, it must happen.

5. There must be at least one night where the guys try to sneak over to the girls cabin. This usually happens on the last night after the guys have spent the first 4 days putting together the perfect plan. The unsuccessful missions result in unbelievably angry youth ministers chasing you back to your room, and you dive into your bed pretending to be asleep, swearing to yourself that you heard him say a cuss word. The successful missions usually run you directly into the only female counselor that agreed to go camping and is now sleeping on the other side of the cabin door. Most guys think it's an ogre, and they run back to their rooms and develop new ghost stories about the ogre in the girl's cabin who kind of looks like Melissa's mom.

6. At least half of the girls in each group must immediately fall in love with the drummer of the band. As a matter of fact, most girls are prepared, knowing full well that it doesn't even matter if they ever see the drummer, they are still going to fall in love with him. This, my friends, is true love.

7. There must be at least one counselor in each group that all of the other counselors absolutely hate having there. Normally you will find this counselor making statements like, "How many of y'all have ever tried the milk challenge?" or "I've got a great idea for a chant every time we walk into the cafeteria."

8. There has to be that one kid who won't do ANYTHING! He might be back in the cabin sleeping, getting lost in the woods, or is now hanging out with another church. However you slice it, this kid exists in every youth group. "Hey, where's Timmy?" "I heard him say crab soccer was gay right before he ran off into the woods."

9. There must be that guy who comes to camp only for the rec/tournaments. You know who I'm talking about. It's the guy who wears a different cut-off sleeve shirt every day, the only difference being which sport is on the front, along with gym shorts and tennis shoes. He swaggers through every rec game with a look on his face that says, "I'll give y'all a chance and just go at about 40% right now. Don't make me go 75%." He's also the guy that loses the basketball tournament in the finals and can no longer focus on worship or small group times because he is so disappointed in himself. Speaking of small group times...

10. There must be a Thursday night cry-fest. This usually begins in the sanctuary after the band has played 14 songs during invitation and spills into small groups. Usually, the youth minister is leading everyone in "Sanctuary" or "Heart of Worship" on guitar. Inside the circle, guys are breaking their Puddle of Mudd CDs. Outside of the circle, girls who have been ignoring each other all week because Lisa talked to the lifeguard even though Mandy had dibs on him are now hugging it out and snotting all over each other. If this has not happened, you simply have just not had a good week. This, of course, ends in silence while the youth minister makes everyone quietly go to their cabins so the guys can sneak over to the girls room.

All this to say, I love youth camp! And if you're reading this and you were at at Mt. Lebanon, I miss you and love you guys! WHO-oh-OH-oh-OH-oohhh!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Salute to Forgotten Television

I was kickin' it with my roommate the other day and we were discussing the greatness of the hit TV show, Friday Night Lights. I love this show with all of my heart, and I firmly believe that this love exists because of my connection with the lead actor, Kyle Chandler. Chandler plays Coach Taylor in the FNL series, but for guys like my roommate and me, we appreciate him for what he brought to television in the 90's. Back in 1996, Kyle Chandler played the role of Gary Hobson. Gary woke up every morning to be welcomed by a cat and a copy of the Chicago Sun Times. The thing is, he was receiving the paper from tomorrow. Therefore, Gary would have a day to check out the disasters that were recorded in the paper, then do his best to prevent them. The show was called Early Edition, and it was brilliance. As my roomie and I talked about old times and the impact that show had on us, we started talking about old, forgotten 90's TV shows. It hurts my heart to know that many shows I grew up on have fallen into the TV Land Abyss if they are lucky, most don't even get the dignity of re-runs. Regardless, I have been on a "list-making" kick as of late, so I wanted to pay my respects by honoring them in my List of Shows That Ended Too Soon. You might catch a show or two that were towards the end of the 80's, but for the most part, these are all 90's gems. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or want to add to the list. (Disclaimer: Don't add Saved by the Bell or Seinfeld or The Simpsons or any show like this to the list. Those shows are NOT and NEVER WILL BE forgotten!!!)

Early Edition

Quantum Leap

Nowhere Man

Sons of Thunder

Angel

California Dreams

Goosebumps

Night Court

Just Shoot Me

Lois and Clark

Thunder in Paradise

Wings

Nash Bridges

Mad About You

Northern Exposure

Sister, Sister

Picket Fences

Unhappily Ever After

Perfect Strangers

Two Guys and a Girl (Quiz: What was the original name of this show, and what major movie star's career did this show jump start?)

Monday, June 21, 2010

I Won't Stand For It

I am not a man who cares for most things. That is something that I declare boldly because if you know me at all, it is a glaring character trait. I can be fairly outspoken regarding people, places, or things that are ridiculous or unnecessary. I feel like we should all be this way. There are too many things in the world that we live in that we have tolerated for far too long. If we take a stand against these things, perhaps they will go away and maybe, just maybe, life will be a little more enjoyable. I have made a short list of such things. This is not a complete list, just a number of things I have compiled over the past several weeks. Feel free to add to it if you'd like, because I certainly will be doing a "Part 2" at some point. So here it is, my official list of "Intolerable things that we tolerate."

Guys with earrings

Girls with lower back tattoos

Movies with love scenes in the rain

People who say "all that jazz"

People who still quote Napoleon Dynamite

The Wave at sporting events

People who say "bada-bing bada-boom"

Informational tweets

Southern Baptist preacher euphemisms

Hand holding above the table with elbows firmly planted and palms toward the sky while blessing the food

Affliction shirts

Toms

Glee

Commercials geared specifically toward lady problems that pop up in prime eating hours

Ke$ha

Couple pictures taken by the actual couple while extending the camera

People who say "You working hard or hardly working?"

People who say "What are you up to? No good?"

People who actually answer when you ask "How ya doing?"

All small talk in general

Guys wearing tight jeans

Guys who roll up their jeans like capris

Guys who wear tight jeans and roll them up while wearing Toms

Uggs

Bumper stickers

Concerts where the lead singer says "How ya feelin' (insert city name here)!!!"

Sandals

Movie scenes where people scream "NOOOOOO!!!" in slow motion

Guys who take the elevator to the second floor of a gym

Faux hawks

Popped collars

People who always tuck their shirts in when they don't have to

Tyrese Gibson

The movie The Day After Tomorrow

Girls who sound like a mouse being stepped on when they sneeze

Toboggans with the tiny brim

Bandanas worn on any part of the body

American flag shirts

People who call their iPhone their "iPhone" instead of just their "phone"

People who overuse abbreviations, like "fave" or "presh"

People who use text abbreviations in every day speech, like "LOL" or "BRB"

Drive-thru workers who ask if I want something else after I give my order, or make me give my order then obviously don't hear me so they make guesses about everything when they read the order back instead of just asking me to repeat myself

McDonald's commercials

The WNBA

Hemp necklaces

Intolerance

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Don't Waste Your Time

Have you ever wished you weren't at work? Not me, I freakin' love this place. The temperature is always acceptable and there's a bathroom right down the hallway. Legit. I found a dollar on the bathroom floor yesterday. I snatched that mug up real quick and hauled butt out of there. Then I peed in my pants cuz I forgot to do it in the bathroom. Finding that dollar had me all twisted up, you know what I'm screamin'? I went and saw Robin Hood last weekend. It sucked because there weren't any singing roosters in it. If I lived on a farm, I'd totally teach my roosters how to sing. Believe that, believe that fo sho. Fo sho. Whenever you were a kid did you use to reenact fight scenes where you were surrounded by like 15 guys and you took them all out by spinning around with your arms out and hitting them all in the face? Not me, so unrealistic. I wanna punch someone in the face right now, just unload the passionate fury built up in my fist all over someone's nose. What if I did that? What if I did that for real? What if I walked right up to someone and punched them in the face for real? Haha, oh man, I couldn't even imagine. I'm so gonna be Jack Bauer when I grow up. My days are gonna feel like they're 6 months long and I'm never going to go to the bathroom and my best friend is going to be Freddie Prinze Jr. and my daughter will be the girl from The Girl Next Door and Obama will turn into the guy from the Allstate commercials but I'm so gonna hide in a closet when there are 5 minutes left of every hour cuz that's when all the bad stuff happens. I went to Pink Berry last night. The gay guy behind the counter was all, "Have you been here before?" and I was all, "I ain't gay!" and he was all "What can I get for you?" and I was all "A small passion fruit with animal crackers, pronto!" Sometimes when you're rolling with the punches you've gotta go against the grain so the bird in the hand can be killed with one stone left unturned while your eyes are on the prize and your nose is at the grindstone and your head is in the clouds and your back is against the wall. I'm about to eat some croutons.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Wedding of the Century

I sing at a buttload of weddings. Maybe it's because I'm so freakin' romantic. I honestly have no idea how many weddings I've sang at, but I would be willing to guess it is upwards of 20. Recently I had the amazing opportunity to sing at one of my best friend's weddings, Stephanie Sefton (now Stephanie Kennedy). She got married on the weekend it snowed.... On the first day of Spring. How awesome is that? She married a really cool cat, so best of luck to both of them. This all got me thinking, when am I going to be able to sing at my own wedding??

(Pause for laughter)........

OK, naysayers, maybe one of these days I WILL get married, so you can stop pointing and laughing at the computer screen, mom. I don't think many guys put much thought into their wedding day. Well, I have, and if my future wife is out there reading this, prepare yourself for the greatest day of your life, because I'm going to blow your mind. Here is what my wedding is going to look like.

I'll be crazy famous by then, so it will be run much like a concert. Doors open at 6:15, show starts at 6:30. When the doors explode open, thousands of people will be pouring through to get front row seats. It will look much like a camp when youth run into the worship center right before a MercyMe concert. Of course, my wedding will be in Nokia Theater to hold the overflow. As people enter, my band will be rocking it out with power love ballads such as "Open Arms" by Journey and "Bootyman" by Craig David. Five minutes before the wedding is to begin, the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir will appear from behind curtains, accompanied by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra playing "The Carol of the Bells." The bridesmaids and groomsmen will be shot upwards from beneath the floor much like Garth Brooks does at his live shows. From behind the choir emerges Kirk Franklin, who will officiate the wedding. On the last note, the bride will be thrown from below the stage straight into the air, and will be stunted by male cheerleaders from Baylor University. Now that everyone is in place, the band will begin to play "The Final Countdown" as the lights dim. I will descend from the ceiling on wires with angel wings on my back and will take several minutes to soar over the crowd, dropping sunflowers and Snickers on the jealous women drooling below me. Once I am in place, the wedding will begin, but Kirk will basically be shouting the vows the entire time to R&B music, because I think that's all he knows how to do. After we light the unity candle, I will reveal my new hit single, "I Just Can't Wait to Consummate." It will be breathtaking. Once Kirk pronounces us husband and wife, we'll make out for a few minutes while the crowd goes insane and the band plays "Christmas Shoes." I'll then turn towards the crowd and drop a smoke bomb. When the smoke clears, everyone on stage will be gone. The only things that will be left are several white tigers and David Blaine. Majestic.

You're all invited.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Life in Clothing

As some of you may know, I use to be an avid MySpacer. Writing blogs on MySpace was a big draw for me. I was thinking recently (I know this because I don't think very often) and I was reminded of a blog that I wrote a couple of years ago about clothes. This blog kind of fell by the wayside, but it was one of my most favorite blogs that I had written. I'm not patting myself on the back or anything, it just held a lot of truth for me and it was a very important subject to me at that time in my life. It's strange how things of importance at one point seem to find their way back around to becoming important again. Anyways, please enjoy "Life in Clothing."


Clothes are a funny thing. The thing is that we all need clothes, so the search for the perfect attire is something that we all will eventually have to deal with. We might stand in front of clothing racks for hours to select one article of clothing. Why do we put so much thought and effort into these choices? It's because we're scared. We're scared of the consequences that might occur once we make our purchase. We're scared that it might not fit us. We're scared that it might not match anything else that we have. We're scared of what other people might think about it. We're scared that we might get it home, and find out about a fault that wasn't visible in the store. We're scared that we might wear it once, then forget about it. As unbelievable as it sounds, we're scared that we might have broken the hearts of the other clothes in the store that we glanced at, but passed over and left them sitting on the shelf. Sometimes, we believe that we don't even need something new, and we go on with what we already have. We're content with the wardrobe with which we have surrounded ourselves. All of these factors play a role in our selection process. Most of the time, we come home with an item that we will soon regret ever wasting money on. We begin to think that we should have taken a chance on the dress shirt, or the boot-cut jeans. So the question arises, why do we continue our search for the perfect clothing? The answer is simple. Eventually, we find it. Many times, it isn't obviously noticeable. We all have that faded t-shirt or those comfy shoes that make up our favorite attire, but we had no idea it would become that perfect piece when we bought it. We may not realize it until we've worn it several times, washed it and re-washed it, and gotten use to it. It becomes comfortable. It becomes a part of us. We become so happy that we made the decision that we made. We grow so attached to it, that it doesn't even matter what others may say or think about it. It doesn't matter if it becomes worn down, old and tattered. It's our safety blanket. It compliments us. We grow to love it. We think to ourselves, wouldn't it have been a shame if I passed this over? If I didn't take it when I had the chance? Of course, we would never know what we were missing out on. But the risk was worth the reward. Why is it so hard for us to take that risk? Why do we become content with our surroundings? Why do we give up the search for the perfect piece of clothing? Why is the pain of regret so frightening and so difficult that we can't look beyond it to see possible bliss and infinite happiness is waiting for us? Clothes......funny things.

Monday, February 8, 2010

My Most Underrated Movies

So this past week on facebook I gave a list of some of my most underrated movies of all time (and when I say all time, I mean movies of my generation, for the most part over the past 2o years with a couple of exceptions). I didn't necessarily list anything in order of importance, except for Fight Club, which is my number 1. Everything behind it is in no particular order, and it's what I started this list off with as well. Since I only had seven days, there were many movies that got left off my list. Here is my complete list. Remember, my definition of "underrated" is that the movies don't get the full credit they deserve. Some of these movies may be well-recognized, I just don't feel as if they are recognized to their full potential. Feel free to add to it, criticize, compliment, or completely desecrate. That's what it's here for, to cause discussion.

  • Fight Club - Brad Pitt's best ever. Ed Norton solidified as a leading man. A movie ending that, if watched now for the first time, could be seen coming a mile away, but only because it has been so often imitated. In it's day, ground-breaking.
  • Groundhog Day - The perfect comedy. Bill Murray in his prime paired with an original story line. "It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be gray, and it's gonna last for the rest of your life."
  • The Fast and The Furious - Forget about the acting. It made car movies cool again, simple as that. Trust me, I was there on opening night to see posers rollin' up to the AMC in their imports with blades and lights underneath. It was big time.
  • The Cable Guy - This should be the blueprint of how a dark comedy is made. Jim Carrey gives one of his less annoying performances, but he creates a character that you hate and feel sorry for. "Gotta warm up, don't wanna pull a hammy."
  • Gone in 60 Seconds - Cool concept and great cars. "Good brakes. Good brakes, too."
  • The Prestige - 2 hours of Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman one-upping each other. Throw in Scarlet Johansenn and you have yourself a winner.
  • Tin Cup - Look, I realize Kevin Costner is a beating, but if he was born to play any role, it was that of Roy MacAvoy. This is one of the few golf movies that you can stay awake through.
  • Minority Report - I am catching a lot of flack over this one, but stay with me. Tom Cruise pre-"couch-jumping", Steven Spielberg at the helm, running in a futuristic world where crime doesn't exist, or can someone still beat the system. Great ending.
  • The Sandlot - I just feel as if this is one of the greatest movies ever so it may never get the full credit it's due. That's it.
  • Any Given Sunday - Oliver Stone does a good job of putting you in the action on the field, and who can play the aging egocentric coach better than Pacino. "My name is Willie, Willie Beaman."
  • Boondock Saints - Surely you knew this movie would pop up, right?
  • Donnie Darko - Not necessarily something you wanna watch for laughs, but is so much fun trying to wrap your mind around such a crazy story. Jake G is perfectly crazy.
  • Hook - This movie is still fun to watch even when you're older. Dustin Hoffman made the movie. "Rufio, Rufio, R-FI-OOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
  • Man On Fire - It's always cool to watch Denzel play a Bad-A.
  • O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Clooney's best? Possibly. The music is legendary and quotes come a mile a minute. "Dammit, I wasn't hit by no train!"
  • Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - Say what you want about it, but it kick-started Keanu's career. And even though it's been an awful career, there have been some entertaining movies.
  • Red Eye - I have a man-crush on Cillian Murphy and a straight crush on Rachel McAdams, so this works well for me. It's claustrophobically tense.
  • Four Brothers - This is a man's movie right here. Shooting, fighting, cussing, Mark Wahlberg! Whoooo!!!
  • Smokin' Aces - This movie very much fits the bill of underrated. Jeremy Piven should have had an Oscar nom, plus it was one of our first exposures to the new Captian Kirk. There are 4 Ryan Reynolds movies on my list, including this one, because normally if he's in it, it's underrated, which leads me to...
  • Van Wilder - This was our first real taste of Reynolds. How can you not like him?
  • Gangs of New York - Ya really just can't go wrong with Leo and Scorsese. Plus, Daniel Day-Lewis makes The Butcher possibly the most underrated villain of all time.
  • Three Amigos - Three comedians in their prime. Best. Comedy. Ever. "I think it's a mail plane..."
  • Maverick - This movie is just flat-out entertaining. It's a comedy, action, western, and drama rolled into one with some brilliant poker scenes, including Brett's last hand with the the no-look card toss.
  • Space Jam - Of course I'm going to put it on this list, it had MJ.
  • Rounders - Barely edges Maverick out of the top poker spot. John Malkovich is such a great actor and this is one of his greatest roles. "He beat me, straight up."
  • Swingers - It has to go on the list because it introduced us to the Vince Vaughn we know and love. "You're so money and you don't even know it."
  • Two For The Money - I don't know why I put this here. I just like this movie.
  • Memento - Be prepared to take Tylenol afterwards because it will have your brain working from beginning to end. Very cool concept, plus it supported my crush on Carrie Ann Moss.
  • Boiler Room - Ya know, I just love Giovanni Ribisi, and Ben Affleck doesn't completely suck in this one.
  • Just Friends - Refer to my facebook page and you'll find out how much I love this movie. It actually gets funnier the more you watch it. How is that possible?
  • Waiting - My final Ryan Reynolds film on the list. Gives you a whole new perspective on being a jerk to your waiter. It's also Dane Cook's only funny movie, so enjoy it while it lasts. "She's got that Scooby-Doo tongue."
  • Hellboy - This movie has a pretty big cult following, so don't hate on me for this one. It's actually really well done and not as cheesy as you think.
  • Alpha Dog - I included this movie because it is jam packed with young talent. Justin Timberlake in his first major movie does a terrific job, Emile Hirsch proves he can carry a movie if he's called on, and my absolute favorite young actor, Ben Foster, has perfected the art of the quietly intense angry young man.
  • Snatch - Guy Ritchie's best movie with all of the elements that he's known for. He sprawls the movie out into a hundred different directions, and pulls it all together in the end. And Brad Pitt is a gypsy bare-knuckle boxer. So legit.
  • Equilibrium - It wasn't as ground-breaking as The Matrix, but it was smarter, and it's the only movie you can see Christian Bale sword fight Taye Diggs. Yeah, you read that right.

Thoughts???