Wedding of the Century

I sing at a buttload of weddings. Maybe it's because I'm so freakin' romantic. I honestly have no idea how many weddings I've sang at, but I would be willing to guess it is upwards of 20. Recently I had the amazing opportunity to sing at one of my best friend's weddings, Stephanie Sefton (now Stephanie Kennedy). She got married on the weekend it snowed.... On the first day of Spring. How awesome is that? She married a really cool cat, so best of luck to both of them. This all got me thinking, when am I going to be able to sing at my own wedding??

(Pause for laughter)........

OK, naysayers, maybe one of these days I WILL get married, so you can stop pointing and laughing at the computer screen, mom. I don't think many guys put much thought into their wedding day. Well, I have, and if my future wife is out there reading this, prepare yourself for the greatest day of your life, because I'm going to blow your mind. Here is what my wedding is going to look like.

I'll be crazy famous by then, so it will be run much like a concert. Doors open at 6:15, show starts at 6:30. When the doors explode open, thousands of people will be pouring through to get front row seats. It will look much like a camp when youth run into the worship center right before a MercyMe concert. Of course, my wedding will be in Nokia Theater to hold the overflow. As people enter, my band will be rocking it out with power love ballads such as "Open Arms" by Journey and "Bootyman" by Craig David. Five minutes before the wedding is to begin, the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir will appear from behind curtains, accompanied by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra playing "The Carol of the Bells." The bridesmaids and groomsmen will be shot upwards from beneath the floor much like Garth Brooks does at his live shows. From behind the choir emerges Kirk Franklin, who will officiate the wedding. On the last note, the bride will be thrown from below the stage straight into the air, and will be stunted by male cheerleaders from Baylor University. Now that everyone is in place, the band will begin to play "The Final Countdown" as the lights dim. I will descend from the ceiling on wires with angel wings on my back and will take several minutes to soar over the crowd, dropping sunflowers and Snickers on the jealous women drooling below me. Once I am in place, the wedding will begin, but Kirk will basically be shouting the vows the entire time to R&B music, because I think that's all he knows how to do. After we light the unity candle, I will reveal my new hit single, "I Just Can't Wait to Consummate." It will be breathtaking. Once Kirk pronounces us husband and wife, we'll make out for a few minutes while the crowd goes insane and the band plays "Christmas Shoes." I'll then turn towards the crowd and drop a smoke bomb. When the smoke clears, everyone on stage will be gone. The only things that will be left are several white tigers and David Blaine. Majestic.

You're all invited.