The Kick-The-Bucket Bucket List

My roommate, Michael Dooley, and I have an understanding. Whichever one of us dies first (and it will probably be him), the surviving person will officiate that person's funeral. It makes sense, really. We live together, we know each other, we are both men of immense talents. Why not direct the other person's funeral? I asked Michael to jot down his funeral demands for me just in case he kicks the bucket some time soon, so I'll know what to do. Here is what he said. Remember, some names mentioned are just friends of ours that we would trust to run specific parts of the funeral. OK, here you go:

My funeral is going to be the Hottest Party in the DF-Dub. I thought about hosting it in a different location maybe an Island or perhaps in Times Square but I want everybody to be able to come so instead its going to be at the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. I want my viewing and funeral to happen at the same time. For those who come to the funeral and they will come will be able to view my body as well as watch the program. Ok here is how its going to go down.

I want the funeral to start promptly @7:30. However the procession will start about noon that day. Obviously I will have a police escort and then all my close friends and family will be in the procession as well. But my casket will be carried by two huge White Siberian Tigers. Also I want Kaleb Moore to be on top of the casket with a Mic and stand on top of the casket. As my body goes through the city (We will start in Downtown dallas and make our way all the way over to the cowboys stadium. We will be broadcasted on EVERY news channel known to mankind and will be followed by the Conan blimp.) As the Tigers carry my body I want Kaleb to perform various acoustic acts while standing on my casket that include but are not limited to: Mission 3:16 by Carmen, I don't wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith, Imma Flirt by R. Kelly, All i do is Win by DJ Khaled, and anything else he choose but his last song will be Riot by Carmen.

Once we make it to the cowboy stadium here is what is going to happen. First I want the Mav's dancers (The Hottest Dance Team in the NBA) to be dancing on the field around my burial site...yes I am getting buried under the cowboys stadium. I want opening acts of Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake and Eminem....When the time comes which Kaleb will decide...I want my casket lowered from the top of the stadium, Smoke, Fireworks, Lasers the whole shebang. Kaleb will be riding my casket down from the top preforming a mashup of My Sacrifice by Creed and Bootyman by Craig David. I have personally picked out his wardrobe..he will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt, a bowtie and buttless chaps. At the site of this the crowd will erupt with sheer excitement of being so close to my body.

Once Kaleb and I have made it down to the stage where I will be lowered into the ground He will take me out of the casket and do several ventriloquist acts of his choosing. I just ask that at some point we perform together my Choreographed routine of IMMA BE by Black Eye Peas (Mavs Dancers are included in this also) Then Kaleb will perform select readings with me on his lap...this readings will be an over view of my life. He will take you on a journey of "The Doolz" and leave you in awe of the life I lived. My body will be dressed in Basketball Shorts, a Hoodie and a boston hat.

After the reading I would like to grant some time for Kaleb to do whatever he pleases as a part of the show. He will have about 20 minutes...This is also the time he will present his version of the Eulogy.

As the time comes for my body to be lowered into the ground I want the Mav's Dancers dancing around my grave site. As I am lowered into my grave, I do not wish to be in a casket. I would like my body harnessed up and lowered down. As I am being lowered down a select few of the dancers that Kaleb chooses will be harnessed up and dancing around me. Kaleb will have a cape on by this time and he will be soaring around us all. He will be preforming selections such as God is in Control by Twila Paris and Testify to Love by Avalon. As I am going down into the abyss I would like to be holding the largest sparklers known to mankind in each of my hands.

Once I am lowered down into the grave the Mav's Dancers will be the ones to bury me. They we start shoveling dirt on me and Kaleb will be spraying them down with water. Picture it.. Mud, Water, Mav's Dancers, Kaleb singing How Low by Ludacris and Sexy Can I by Ray-J.... Once the burial is complete I want the night to be ended with a tribute concert to our Boxcar Racer cover band.

Important Details to Not forget:
Sheriff Blalock's and China King Super Buffet will cater.
Ashley Cyrek will assist Kaleb Moore in the Planning, Logistics, and production of the program
Brendan Smith will broadcast live on-location..It will be aired by every network and they all will air him. If they do not air Brendan's broadcast then Landon "Hot Buns" Turrubiarte will pay each network a personal visit and lets just say that won't be very pleasant.

So there's Michael's funeral. Hard to follow that, I know, but I figured I must go ahead and jot down my funeral plans as well in case Michael gets stuck with mine. So here you go:

No matter what time of year that I die, my funeral will be held at South Fork Ranch during Celebrate Freedom. By this time, I will have signed an exclusive deal with ABC Family for them to create a made for TV movie about my life, starring the guy who plays Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars as me, and the girl who plays Aria as whoever my love interest is. Because of this, everyone can tune into my funeral on ABC Family in 3D HD. It will be hosted by ABC Family kingpins, Rob Lowe and Mario Lopez.

After several hours of Monk and Neagle, Raze, Hawk Nelson, and Stacie Orrico, we will begin the festivities. It will be around 9 PM, when it is good and dark outside. A firework show will begin, and it will be set to the second full length studio album from John Mayer, Heavier Things, the one no one really knows. Upon completion of the final note of the final song, there will be a huge explosion, and you will faintly begin to see the outline of a parachute drifting downwards towards the earth. It will land perfectly center stage. Immediately, Michael Dooley will blast forth from the casket to be welcomed by a roaring ovation from the assumed Christian crowd. The casket will quickly transform, much like Optimus Prime, into a white baby grand piano, and Michael will play his mash up of Airplanes by B.O.B. and In The End by Linkin Park. After a 40-45 minute stand-up comedy routine, Michael will sit back down at the piano while another piano emerges from beneath the stage opposite of him. Mark Schultz will then come out and they will play a dueling pianos version of "Move" by Ludacris. At this point, a spotlight will appear at the top of the stage above the scaffolding, where I will be standing. What people will not know yet is that I have been working for years with NASA scientists to implant technology into my body that will allow me to dance any time I hear music after I'm dead just like "Weekend at Bernie's." I'll perform a lengthy routine to the music that will more than likely reflect Natalie Portman's final dance scene in Black Swan. After that, I'll just jump off the scaffolding and land on my face on the stage, since I'm already dead. Michael will place me on a golden throne as the funeral continues.

This will be a perfect spot for intermission. During intermission, Shane and Shane will take 15 minutes to speak with the crowd about world missions and sponsoring a child, while everyone has a chance to get up, use the portipotties, get some Dr. Pepper or a funnel cake, and do the football throw at the DBU tent. Once we return, Michael will introduce my mom and dad to the stage. My mom will bring up her lap top on stage and just update her status on Facebook to "Sitting at Kaleb's funeral. So many people I know here! Funnel cakes smell delish!" and my dad will perform his favorite song, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, which will take precisely 4 seconds because he only knows the first line. Michael will then introduce my good friend, John Wall, who will come on stage and do his Washington Wizards introduction dance for 7 and a half minutes in silence. After he leaves the stage to no applause, Michael will introduce my last guest, Kirk Cameron. Before Kirk even comes on stage, Michael will thank him for coming and we will move on.

Michael and I will then perform the final dance scene from Save the Last Dance between Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas to an all hand bell choir playing the song "I Try to Say Goodbye and I Choke" by Macy Gray. Michael will then quickly clear the stage as I am left alone on center stage in the spotlight. The side stages will be filled with Celebrate Freedom headliners such as Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, MercyMe, The Katinas, Newsboys, U2, Kesha, Bruno Mars, Lady Antebellum, the Def Leppard drummer, a Def Poetry Jam artist, Zach Attack (Zach Morris's band from Saved by the Bell), Joey Fatone, and any surviving members of the Kaleb Moore Band. They will be playing a "we are the world" type rendition of the smash hit, "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" I will hip thrust through the entire song. Their final note will be a high E hit by new Kaleb Moore Band lead singer, Daniel Nix. At this point, I will spontaneously combust, blasting my innards all over the entire audience. Everyone will then run to their cars doing their best Kermit the Frog impression, yelling loudly with their hands over their heads and their wrists flopping wildly. South Fork Ranch will forever afterwards be set up as a historical site, and will never be stepped foot on again.

Merry Christmas.