Hallmark Rejections

This is the second worst holiday of the year. That's a proven fact, there's evidence from NASA that supports this. Every year one of my heroes, Gordon Keith from The Ticket radio, makes fake Valentine's Day cards. Four years ago, he inspired me to write my own. Don't worry, if you've ever heard his, mine are PG in comparison. I found this 4 year old blog and thought I would re-post with the addition of a few new ones. Ladies, if you enjoyed my last blog about dating, every nice thought you had about me is about to disappear.

Disclaimer: This in no way, shape or form is a reflection of how I truly feel. If you are offended, please remember, this is JUST A JOKE! It is all in good fun. I love women! Please DO NOT take these seriously.

Ahh, Valentine's Day, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I can't even remember the last time I participated in this holiday. I don't get asked to be someone's Valentine very often. I know what you're thinking, "Is there a holiday you enjoy?" Well, guess you'll have to keep checking the blogs to find out. Anyways, I have been known to be a bit of a romantic. Just ask all of the girls I've dated. Well, don't ask all of them, maybe just a few. Well, maybe just a couple. OK, maybe just one of them, and run her name by me to get her approved before you do ask. Ya know what, just take my word for it, I'm romantic! At least I could be if I tried. So in the V-Day spirit, I decided to write my own Valentine cards. These little nuggets of love aren't for anyone in particular, so feel free to use them for that special someone. Without further adieu, Kaleb's Valentine's...

° Dear Valentine,

One thing you never knew about me is that I can blow smoke rings in the shape of a heart. Granted, the toungue warts and buck teeth help me out a little bit, but shame on you for focusing so much on physical things.

- Love, Multi-Talented Mister

° Dear Unknown Female,

I have seen you on campus and you are a hard person to track down. It's a good thing I have friends in admissions who can get me your address. I'll be waiting for you in the dark when you get home.

- Secret Admirer

° Secret Lover,

The passion we share is what keeps me coming back for more. If only my wife put this much effort into our relationship...

- John Doe(n't tell anybody)

° Lovely Lady

I have been with many beautiful women in my life. I have searched the world and seen it's beauty. I have dined with princesses and socialized with first-class ladies. If a beautiful woman exists in this world, I have wooed her and won her heart. Of all of the gorgeous representatives of the fairer sex I have come in contact with, you are, without a doubt, below average. You can keep my shirt.

- Honest Abe

° My Sweetheart,

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Let's make out.

-Kaleb Moore (I had to put my name on this one.)

o Dear Sweetness,

I would like to take this small window to tell you that I think I love you. However, the window is closed so I’ll have to continue staring at you from your yard.

-The Peepster

o Long-Time Love,

I know things have been stale in our relationship, so I decided to shake up this V-Day with a special gift for you. Her name is Kandice. It’s only fair to share.

-Hopeful Hunk

o Darling Dear,

A Valentine algorithm for you. You + me + roses + box of chocolates + Jane Seymour Open Hearts Collection necklace x 3 other women I did the same thing for – my remembrance that one of them might or might not be your best friend + the eventual confiscation of your VISA rewards card = no money for alimony and a trip to Barbados for me from your VISA card. I’ll send postcards.

-Tanned Tenderness

Did I mention I don't get asked to be anyone's Valentine often?