This is the second worst holiday of the year. That's a proven fact, there's evidence from NASA that supports this. Every year one of my heroes, Gordon Keith from The Ticket radio, makes fake Valentine's Day cards. Four years ago, he inspired me to write my own. Don't worry, if you've ever heard his, mine are PG in comparison. I found this 4 year old blog and thought I would re-post with the addition of a few new ones. Ladies, if you enjoyed my last blog about dating, every nice thought you had about me is about to disappear.
Disclaimer: This in no way, shape or form is a reflection of how I truly feel. If you are offended, please remember, this is JUST A JOKE! It is all in good fun. I love women! Please DO NOT take these seriously.
Ahh, Valentine's Day, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I can't even remember the last time I participated in this holiday. I don't get asked to be someone's Valentine very often. I know what you're thinking, "Is there a holiday you enjoy?" Well, guess you'll have to keep checking the blogs to find out. Anyways, I have been known to be a bit of a romantic. Just ask all of the girls I've dated. Well, don't ask all of them, maybe just a few. Well, maybe just a couple. OK, maybe just one of them, and run her name by me to get her approved before you do ask. Ya know what, just take my word for it, I'm romantic! At least I could be if I tried. So in the V-Day spirit, I decided to write my own Valentine cards. These little nuggets of love aren't for anyone in particular, so feel free to use them for that special someone. Without further adieu, Kaleb's Valentine's...
° Dear Valentine,
One thing you never knew about me is that I can blow smoke rings in the shape of a heart. Granted, the toungue warts and buck teeth help me out a little bit, but shame on you for focusing so much on physical things.
- Love, Multi-Talented Mister
° Dear Unknown Female,
I have seen you on campus and you are a hard person to track down. It's a good thing I have friends in admissions who can get me your address. I'll be waiting for you in the dark when you get home.
- Secret Admirer
° Secret Lover,
The passion we share is what keeps me coming back for more. If only my wife put this much effort into our relationship...
- John Doe(n't tell anybody)
° Lovely Lady
I have been with many beautiful women in my life. I have searched the world and seen it's beauty. I have dined with princesses and socialized with first-class ladies. If a beautiful woman exists in this world, I have wooed her and won her heart. Of all of the gorgeous representatives of the fairer sex I have come in contact with, you are, without a doubt, below average. You can keep my shirt.
- Honest Abe
° My Sweetheart,
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Let's make out.
-Kaleb Moore (I had to put my name on this one.)
o Dear Sweetness,
I would like to take this small window to tell you that I think I love you. However, the window is closed so I’ll have to continue staring at you from your yard.
-The Peepster
o Long-Time Love,
I know things have been stale in our relationship, so I decided to shake up this V-Day with a special gift for you. Her name is Kandice. It’s only fair to share.
-Hopeful Hunk
o Darling Dear,
A Valentine algorithm for you. You + me + roses + box of chocolates + Jane Seymour Open Hearts Collection necklace x 3 other women I did the same thing for – my remembrance that one of them might or might not be your best friend + the eventual confiscation of your VISA rewards card = no money for alimony and a trip to Barbados for me from your VISA card. I’ll send postcards.
-Tanned Tenderness
Did I mention I don't get asked to be anyone's Valentine often?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Romance and Geometry
A few weeks ago, an old friend of mine asked me to help her out with a blog series she was putting together. Jenae Tankerlsey asked several of her friends to write down their thoughts on being 20-something and unmarried or not in extremely serious relationships. Her series was called The Waiting Room. If you haven't checked out her writing, you are doing yourself a disservice because it's great stuff. She is beyond intelligent and insightful and she captures all of that so well with her words, so I jumped at the chance to be a part of what she was doing when she asked for a guy's perspective. Well, I didn't exactly jump at the chance, because my writer's block was at an all-time high. I finally had a revelation and jotted down as many disjointed thoughts as I could before I sent it on down the line. I wrote this during my Twitter "retirement" (just leave it alone) so I couldn't share it with you guys then, but here it is now. My absurdly simple thoughts on the idea of dating...
I am 25 and single. These are the facts, there is nothing I can do about this. You may be saying to yourself, “Kaleb, you choose to be single, so there is plenty you can do about this.” That’s a negative, Ghost Writer. There is nothing that can be done, and that is what I am setting out to prove over these next several paragraphs. Now is the time for me to go ahead and state a disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form a relationship expert. As a matter of fact, I am about as far from that as one human can possibly be. However, over the last year I have discovered two characteristics that are involved in this whole dating/relationship/battle of the sexes thing that we do that not many people take advantage of and sadly, don’t even cross most people’s minds. Those characteristics can be summed up in two words: patience and pursuit.
Whether we agree with it or not, dating is a part of our lives. No, it’s never mentioned in the Bible. I doubt David and Abraham were thought of as romantics when they were “taking a wife.” No, I don’t believe cavemen really got into it. You leave no woman a choice to say “yes” or “no” when you club her over the head and drag her back to your cave. But now, in the generation we live in, dating is real and it is inevitable. It is something that must be dealt with, and everyone deals with it in different ways. I have been no different. I, my friends, have dated. Many times this has proven to be unsuccessful, sometimes memorable, always a learning experience. What have I learned, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s the beauty of dating. You think you’re getting somewhere after every relationship, and you never really are. So what do we do about this? What can YOU do?
Many times I find myself sitting and thinking about what I want in a woman. I begin to make a list. Before long, I realize my list is too long and basically impossible to satisfy. So I shorten it, I generalize, I abbreviate. When all is said and done, what I have found that I want most in a woman is confidence. I have a feeling that if every guy was honest with himself, it would all come down to this for them as well. Yes, it’s nice when a girl is latched onto your arm, hangs on your every word, worships the ground you walk on, but for me it is temporary satisfaction. I am going to make an assumption that could possibly get me in some trouble, but I am willing to bet that the large majority of women are not 100% approving of themselves. This could come in the form of personality. Some girls just aren’t happy with the way they interact or the way people respond to them. This could result in a girl shutting down when she is around people. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it could result with a girl becoming too clingy to her friends or her mate in an effort to not lose that person. This disapproval could come in a physical form. Many women are not happy with the way they look, or better yet, the way they view themselves. So many times we see this result in unhealthy habits like eating disorders. Let me take this time to mention that I attend a church (First Baptist Dallas) that has a great women’s outreach and unbelievable women who lead this outreach. These are women who have been through messy relationships, loneliness, eating disorders, and so much more and Christ has brought them through and out of it. I am so blessed by them and completely behind everything they do. I digress…
The disapproval a woman has of herself can totally define her dating relationships. Women do not like themselves, so they find someone who will. They begin a lifelong search for someone who will find worth in them. Women are, in fact, human. They want, need and desire just like everyone else, and they want desperately to love and be loved. So they place their love in all of the wrong things, and this includes the wrong men. How many times have you seen a woman be with a man that did not treat her like the bride of Christ, but she stays with him because he simply pays attention to her? Women want their existence to be known, and by all means, they deserve that right. One of the worst things a woman can do is find a man and place in Him the love, faith and dependence that she should be placing in Christ. A man’s job is not to find worth in a woman, but to reinforce the worth a woman has already found in herself. This worth can only be found when a woman gives up the search for a life partner, and begins to fall head over heels in love with a God who wants nothing but the best for her. Christ wants to bring to light your terrific qualities and highlight them. Believe me when I say, every single woman has worth. You may not see it, and you may think that others don’t see it, but it is blinding to Christ. Christ is not in the business of worthless creation. The way for a woman to find her worth is to place her love in the One who created her and allow Him to bring that worth to the surface.
This is where patience and pursuit come into play. I have always been told that a woman should bury her heart so deeply into the heart of Christ that a man would have to dig in order to find it. Women, your only option is to fall in love with Christ. When your dependence is completely in Him, it doesn’t matter if you’re 25, 30, 35 or older when you find your other half, Christ will fulfill your life. Patience. Your prince will come, but He will come when Christ beckons him. Men, your responsibility is to dig deeply into the heart of Christ until he reveals to you the heart of a woman that will complete you. As a man, there is nothing more attractive than a woman whose confidence is placed completely in Christ. I want to know that a woman wants to be with me, but I do not want to be her god. I do not want to be her savior. I am only man, and I am incapable of shouldering a load that was meant for Christ. I want a woman who loves me, but knows that if something happens to me or our relationship, her life will go on because her faith was not in me, it was in the God that we both serve. This, men, is where pursuit begins. A woman should follow Christ so closely that she demands to be pursued. A man should desire to reflect Christ so passionately that He is in constant pursuit of Him which, inevitably, puts Him in pursuit of the woman God wants Him to be with.
This is our love triangle. A triangle cannot exist without three sides. It is impossible. When one part is taken out, it becomes something it was never meant to be. But when all sides are intact, it reaches its full potential. Women, love Christ, then love yourself. Christ will take care of the rest. Let him bring your partner to you. A man who is not in hot pursuit of your love and affection is not a man who is worth being in a relationship with at all. Men, pursue Christ and you will be in pursuit of your future bride. And when God reveals her to you, reinforce everything she already knows about herself. Be the physical representation of Christ loving his followers. Love her with no expectations and no boundaries. Allow God to direct your every thought, word and action. He is the ultimate romantic and He desires for us to take our cues from Him. A perfect triangle.
Hope you enjoyed it. Believe it or not, this entire thought process is still not at rest. I am currently working on a project with my roommates that will dive even deeper into the world of dating. As much as I love to stir the pot, I can't share it with you right now. Please check back in after a month or so, I will definitely keep you updated. But I promise this, it will be interesting...
I am 25 and single. These are the facts, there is nothing I can do about this. You may be saying to yourself, “Kaleb, you choose to be single, so there is plenty you can do about this.” That’s a negative, Ghost Writer. There is nothing that can be done, and that is what I am setting out to prove over these next several paragraphs. Now is the time for me to go ahead and state a disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form a relationship expert. As a matter of fact, I am about as far from that as one human can possibly be. However, over the last year I have discovered two characteristics that are involved in this whole dating/relationship/battle of the sexes thing that we do that not many people take advantage of and sadly, don’t even cross most people’s minds. Those characteristics can be summed up in two words: patience and pursuit.
Whether we agree with it or not, dating is a part of our lives. No, it’s never mentioned in the Bible. I doubt David and Abraham were thought of as romantics when they were “taking a wife.” No, I don’t believe cavemen really got into it. You leave no woman a choice to say “yes” or “no” when you club her over the head and drag her back to your cave. But now, in the generation we live in, dating is real and it is inevitable. It is something that must be dealt with, and everyone deals with it in different ways. I have been no different. I, my friends, have dated. Many times this has proven to be unsuccessful, sometimes memorable, always a learning experience. What have I learned, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s the beauty of dating. You think you’re getting somewhere after every relationship, and you never really are. So what do we do about this? What can YOU do?
Many times I find myself sitting and thinking about what I want in a woman. I begin to make a list. Before long, I realize my list is too long and basically impossible to satisfy. So I shorten it, I generalize, I abbreviate. When all is said and done, what I have found that I want most in a woman is confidence. I have a feeling that if every guy was honest with himself, it would all come down to this for them as well. Yes, it’s nice when a girl is latched onto your arm, hangs on your every word, worships the ground you walk on, but for me it is temporary satisfaction. I am going to make an assumption that could possibly get me in some trouble, but I am willing to bet that the large majority of women are not 100% approving of themselves. This could come in the form of personality. Some girls just aren’t happy with the way they interact or the way people respond to them. This could result in a girl shutting down when she is around people. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it could result with a girl becoming too clingy to her friends or her mate in an effort to not lose that person. This disapproval could come in a physical form. Many women are not happy with the way they look, or better yet, the way they view themselves. So many times we see this result in unhealthy habits like eating disorders. Let me take this time to mention that I attend a church (First Baptist Dallas) that has a great women’s outreach and unbelievable women who lead this outreach. These are women who have been through messy relationships, loneliness, eating disorders, and so much more and Christ has brought them through and out of it. I am so blessed by them and completely behind everything they do. I digress…
The disapproval a woman has of herself can totally define her dating relationships. Women do not like themselves, so they find someone who will. They begin a lifelong search for someone who will find worth in them. Women are, in fact, human. They want, need and desire just like everyone else, and they want desperately to love and be loved. So they place their love in all of the wrong things, and this includes the wrong men. How many times have you seen a woman be with a man that did not treat her like the bride of Christ, but she stays with him because he simply pays attention to her? Women want their existence to be known, and by all means, they deserve that right. One of the worst things a woman can do is find a man and place in Him the love, faith and dependence that she should be placing in Christ. A man’s job is not to find worth in a woman, but to reinforce the worth a woman has already found in herself. This worth can only be found when a woman gives up the search for a life partner, and begins to fall head over heels in love with a God who wants nothing but the best for her. Christ wants to bring to light your terrific qualities and highlight them. Believe me when I say, every single woman has worth. You may not see it, and you may think that others don’t see it, but it is blinding to Christ. Christ is not in the business of worthless creation. The way for a woman to find her worth is to place her love in the One who created her and allow Him to bring that worth to the surface.
This is where patience and pursuit come into play. I have always been told that a woman should bury her heart so deeply into the heart of Christ that a man would have to dig in order to find it. Women, your only option is to fall in love with Christ. When your dependence is completely in Him, it doesn’t matter if you’re 25, 30, 35 or older when you find your other half, Christ will fulfill your life. Patience. Your prince will come, but He will come when Christ beckons him. Men, your responsibility is to dig deeply into the heart of Christ until he reveals to you the heart of a woman that will complete you. As a man, there is nothing more attractive than a woman whose confidence is placed completely in Christ. I want to know that a woman wants to be with me, but I do not want to be her god. I do not want to be her savior. I am only man, and I am incapable of shouldering a load that was meant for Christ. I want a woman who loves me, but knows that if something happens to me or our relationship, her life will go on because her faith was not in me, it was in the God that we both serve. This, men, is where pursuit begins. A woman should follow Christ so closely that she demands to be pursued. A man should desire to reflect Christ so passionately that He is in constant pursuit of Him which, inevitably, puts Him in pursuit of the woman God wants Him to be with.
This is our love triangle. A triangle cannot exist without three sides. It is impossible. When one part is taken out, it becomes something it was never meant to be. But when all sides are intact, it reaches its full potential. Women, love Christ, then love yourself. Christ will take care of the rest. Let him bring your partner to you. A man who is not in hot pursuit of your love and affection is not a man who is worth being in a relationship with at all. Men, pursue Christ and you will be in pursuit of your future bride. And when God reveals her to you, reinforce everything she already knows about herself. Be the physical representation of Christ loving his followers. Love her with no expectations and no boundaries. Allow God to direct your every thought, word and action. He is the ultimate romantic and He desires for us to take our cues from Him. A perfect triangle.
Hope you enjoyed it. Believe it or not, this entire thought process is still not at rest. I am currently working on a project with my roommates that will dive even deeper into the world of dating. As much as I love to stir the pot, I can't share it with you right now. Please check back in after a month or so, I will definitely keep you updated. But I promise this, it will be interesting...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Kick-The-Bucket Bucket List
My roommate, Michael Dooley, and I have an understanding. Whichever one of us dies first (and it will probably be him), the surviving person will officiate that person's funeral. It makes sense, really. We live together, we know each other, we are both men of immense talents. Why not direct the other person's funeral? I asked Michael to jot down his funeral demands for me just in case he kicks the bucket some time soon, so I'll know what to do. Here is what he said. Remember, some names mentioned are just friends of ours that we would trust to run specific parts of the funeral. OK, here you go:
My funeral is going to be the Hottest Party in the DF-Dub. I thought about hosting it in a different location maybe an Island or perhaps in Times Square but I want everybody to be able to come so instead its going to be at the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. I want my viewing and funeral to happen at the same time. For those who come to the funeral and they will come will be able to view my body as well as watch the program. Ok here is how its going to go down.
I want the funeral to start promptly @7:30. However the procession will start about noon that day. Obviously I will have a police escort and then all my close friends and family will be in the procession as well. But my casket will be carried by two huge White Siberian Tigers. Also I want Kaleb Moore to be on top of the casket with a Mic and stand on top of the casket. As my body goes through the city (We will start in Downtown dallas and make our way all the way over to the cowboys stadium. We will be broadcasted on EVERY news channel known to mankind and will be followed by the Conan blimp.) As the Tigers carry my body I want Kaleb to perform various acoustic acts while standing on my casket that include but are not limited to: Mission 3:16 by Carmen, I don't wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith, Imma Flirt by R. Kelly, All i do is Win by DJ Khaled, and anything else he choose but his last song will be Riot by Carmen.
Once we make it to the cowboy stadium here is what is going to happen. First I want the Mav's dancers (The Hottest Dance Team in the NBA) to be dancing on the field around my burial site...yes I am getting buried under the cowboys stadium. I want opening acts of Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake and Eminem....When the time comes which Kaleb will decide...I want my casket lowered from the top of the stadium, Smoke, Fireworks, Lasers the whole shebang. Kaleb will be riding my casket down from the top preforming a mashup of My Sacrifice by Creed and Bootyman by Craig David. I have personally picked out his wardrobe..he will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt, a bowtie and buttless chaps. At the site of this the crowd will erupt with sheer excitement of being so close to my body.
Once Kaleb and I have made it down to the stage where I will be lowered into the ground He will take me out of the casket and do several ventriloquist acts of his choosing. I just ask that at some point we perform together my Choreographed routine of IMMA BE by Black Eye Peas (Mavs Dancers are included in this also) Then Kaleb will perform select readings with me on his lap...this readings will be an over view of my life. He will take you on a journey of "The Doolz" and leave you in awe of the life I lived. My body will be dressed in Basketball Shorts, a Hoodie and a boston hat.
After the reading I would like to grant some time for Kaleb to do whatever he pleases as a part of the show. He will have about 20 minutes...This is also the time he will present his version of the Eulogy.
As the time comes for my body to be lowered into the ground I want the Mav's Dancers dancing around my grave site. As I am lowered into my grave, I do not wish to be in a casket. I would like my body harnessed up and lowered down. As I am being lowered down a select few of the dancers that Kaleb chooses will be harnessed up and dancing around me. Kaleb will have a cape on by this time and he will be soaring around us all. He will be preforming selections such as God is in Control by Twila Paris and Testify to Love by Avalon. As I am going down into the abyss I would like to be holding the largest sparklers known to mankind in each of my hands.
Once I am lowered down into the grave the Mav's Dancers will be the ones to bury me. They we start shoveling dirt on me and Kaleb will be spraying them down with water. Picture it.. Mud, Water, Mav's Dancers, Kaleb singing How Low by Ludacris and Sexy Can I by Ray-J.... Once the burial is complete I want the night to be ended with a tribute concert to our Boxcar Racer cover band.
Important Details to Not forget:
Sheriff Blalock's and China King Super Buffet will cater.
Ashley Cyrek will assist Kaleb Moore in the Planning, Logistics, and production of the program
Brendan Smith will broadcast live on-location..It will be aired by every network and they all will air him. If they do not air Brendan's broadcast then Landon "Hot Buns" Turrubiarte will pay each network a personal visit and lets just say that won't be very pleasant.
So there's Michael's funeral. Hard to follow that, I know, but I figured I must go ahead and jot down my funeral plans as well in case Michael gets stuck with mine. So here you go:
No matter what time of year that I die, my funeral will be held at South Fork Ranch during Celebrate Freedom. By this time, I will have signed an exclusive deal with ABC Family for them to create a made for TV movie about my life, starring the guy who plays Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars as me, and the girl who plays Aria as whoever my love interest is. Because of this, everyone can tune into my funeral on ABC Family in 3D HD. It will be hosted by ABC Family kingpins, Rob Lowe and Mario Lopez.
After several hours of Monk and Neagle, Raze, Hawk Nelson, and Stacie Orrico, we will begin the festivities. It will be around 9 PM, when it is good and dark outside. A firework show will begin, and it will be set to the second full length studio album from John Mayer, Heavier Things, the one no one really knows. Upon completion of the final note of the final song, there will be a huge explosion, and you will faintly begin to see the outline of a parachute drifting downwards towards the earth. It will land perfectly center stage. Immediately, Michael Dooley will blast forth from the casket to be welcomed by a roaring ovation from the assumed Christian crowd. The casket will quickly transform, much like Optimus Prime, into a white baby grand piano, and Michael will play his mash up of Airplanes by B.O.B. and In The End by Linkin Park. After a 40-45 minute stand-up comedy routine, Michael will sit back down at the piano while another piano emerges from beneath the stage opposite of him. Mark Schultz will then come out and they will play a dueling pianos version of "Move" by Ludacris. At this point, a spotlight will appear at the top of the stage above the scaffolding, where I will be standing. What people will not know yet is that I have been working for years with NASA scientists to implant technology into my body that will allow me to dance any time I hear music after I'm dead just like "Weekend at Bernie's." I'll perform a lengthy routine to the music that will more than likely reflect Natalie Portman's final dance scene in Black Swan. After that, I'll just jump off the scaffolding and land on my face on the stage, since I'm already dead. Michael will place me on a golden throne as the funeral continues.
This will be a perfect spot for intermission. During intermission, Shane and Shane will take 15 minutes to speak with the crowd about world missions and sponsoring a child, while everyone has a chance to get up, use the portipotties, get some Dr. Pepper or a funnel cake, and do the football throw at the DBU tent. Once we return, Michael will introduce my mom and dad to the stage. My mom will bring up her lap top on stage and just update her status on Facebook to "Sitting at Kaleb's funeral. So many people I know here! Funnel cakes smell delish!" and my dad will perform his favorite song, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, which will take precisely 4 seconds because he only knows the first line. Michael will then introduce my good friend, John Wall, who will come on stage and do his Washington Wizards introduction dance for 7 and a half minutes in silence. After he leaves the stage to no applause, Michael will introduce my last guest, Kirk Cameron. Before Kirk even comes on stage, Michael will thank him for coming and we will move on.
Michael and I will then perform the final dance scene from Save the Last Dance between Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas to an all hand bell choir playing the song "I Try to Say Goodbye and I Choke" by Macy Gray. Michael will then quickly clear the stage as I am left alone on center stage in the spotlight. The side stages will be filled with Celebrate Freedom headliners such as Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, MercyMe, The Katinas, Newsboys, U2, Kesha, Bruno Mars, Lady Antebellum, the Def Leppard drummer, a Def Poetry Jam artist, Zach Attack (Zach Morris's band from Saved by the Bell), Joey Fatone, and any surviving members of the Kaleb Moore Band. They will be playing a "we are the world" type rendition of the smash hit, "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" I will hip thrust through the entire song. Their final note will be a high E hit by new Kaleb Moore Band lead singer, Daniel Nix. At this point, I will spontaneously combust, blasting my innards all over the entire audience. Everyone will then run to their cars doing their best Kermit the Frog impression, yelling loudly with their hands over their heads and their wrists flopping wildly. South Fork Ranch will forever afterwards be set up as a historical site, and will never be stepped foot on again.
Merry Christmas.
My funeral is going to be the Hottest Party in the DF-Dub. I thought about hosting it in a different location maybe an Island or perhaps in Times Square but I want everybody to be able to come so instead its going to be at the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. I want my viewing and funeral to happen at the same time. For those who come to the funeral and they will come will be able to view my body as well as watch the program. Ok here is how its going to go down.
I want the funeral to start promptly @7:30. However the procession will start about noon that day. Obviously I will have a police escort and then all my close friends and family will be in the procession as well. But my casket will be carried by two huge White Siberian Tigers. Also I want Kaleb Moore to be on top of the casket with a Mic and stand on top of the casket. As my body goes through the city (We will start in Downtown dallas and make our way all the way over to the cowboys stadium. We will be broadcasted on EVERY news channel known to mankind and will be followed by the Conan blimp.) As the Tigers carry my body I want Kaleb to perform various acoustic acts while standing on my casket that include but are not limited to: Mission 3:16 by Carmen, I don't wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith, Imma Flirt by R. Kelly, All i do is Win by DJ Khaled, and anything else he choose but his last song will be Riot by Carmen.
Once we make it to the cowboy stadium here is what is going to happen. First I want the Mav's dancers (The Hottest Dance Team in the NBA) to be dancing on the field around my burial site...yes I am getting buried under the cowboys stadium. I want opening acts of Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake and Eminem....When the time comes which Kaleb will decide...I want my casket lowered from the top of the stadium, Smoke, Fireworks, Lasers the whole shebang. Kaleb will be riding my casket down from the top preforming a mashup of My Sacrifice by Creed and Bootyman by Craig David. I have personally picked out his wardrobe..he will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt, a bowtie and buttless chaps. At the site of this the crowd will erupt with sheer excitement of being so close to my body.
Once Kaleb and I have made it down to the stage where I will be lowered into the ground He will take me out of the casket and do several ventriloquist acts of his choosing. I just ask that at some point we perform together my Choreographed routine of IMMA BE by Black Eye Peas (Mavs Dancers are included in this also) Then Kaleb will perform select readings with me on his lap...this readings will be an over view of my life. He will take you on a journey of "The Doolz" and leave you in awe of the life I lived. My body will be dressed in Basketball Shorts, a Hoodie and a boston hat.
After the reading I would like to grant some time for Kaleb to do whatever he pleases as a part of the show. He will have about 20 minutes...This is also the time he will present his version of the Eulogy.
As the time comes for my body to be lowered into the ground I want the Mav's Dancers dancing around my grave site. As I am lowered into my grave, I do not wish to be in a casket. I would like my body harnessed up and lowered down. As I am being lowered down a select few of the dancers that Kaleb chooses will be harnessed up and dancing around me. Kaleb will have a cape on by this time and he will be soaring around us all. He will be preforming selections such as God is in Control by Twila Paris and Testify to Love by Avalon. As I am going down into the abyss I would like to be holding the largest sparklers known to mankind in each of my hands.
Once I am lowered down into the grave the Mav's Dancers will be the ones to bury me. They we start shoveling dirt on me and Kaleb will be spraying them down with water. Picture it.. Mud, Water, Mav's Dancers, Kaleb singing How Low by Ludacris and Sexy Can I by Ray-J.... Once the burial is complete I want the night to be ended with a tribute concert to our Boxcar Racer cover band.
Important Details to Not forget:
Sheriff Blalock's and China King Super Buffet will cater.
Ashley Cyrek will assist Kaleb Moore in the Planning, Logistics, and production of the program
Brendan Smith will broadcast live on-location..It will be aired by every network and they all will air him. If they do not air Brendan's broadcast then Landon "Hot Buns" Turrubiarte will pay each network a personal visit and lets just say that won't be very pleasant.
So there's Michael's funeral. Hard to follow that, I know, but I figured I must go ahead and jot down my funeral plans as well in case Michael gets stuck with mine. So here you go:
No matter what time of year that I die, my funeral will be held at South Fork Ranch during Celebrate Freedom. By this time, I will have signed an exclusive deal with ABC Family for them to create a made for TV movie about my life, starring the guy who plays Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars as me, and the girl who plays Aria as whoever my love interest is. Because of this, everyone can tune into my funeral on ABC Family in 3D HD. It will be hosted by ABC Family kingpins, Rob Lowe and Mario Lopez.
After several hours of Monk and Neagle, Raze, Hawk Nelson, and Stacie Orrico, we will begin the festivities. It will be around 9 PM, when it is good and dark outside. A firework show will begin, and it will be set to the second full length studio album from John Mayer, Heavier Things, the one no one really knows. Upon completion of the final note of the final song, there will be a huge explosion, and you will faintly begin to see the outline of a parachute drifting downwards towards the earth. It will land perfectly center stage. Immediately, Michael Dooley will blast forth from the casket to be welcomed by a roaring ovation from the assumed Christian crowd. The casket will quickly transform, much like Optimus Prime, into a white baby grand piano, and Michael will play his mash up of Airplanes by B.O.B. and In The End by Linkin Park. After a 40-45 minute stand-up comedy routine, Michael will sit back down at the piano while another piano emerges from beneath the stage opposite of him. Mark Schultz will then come out and they will play a dueling pianos version of "Move" by Ludacris. At this point, a spotlight will appear at the top of the stage above the scaffolding, where I will be standing. What people will not know yet is that I have been working for years with NASA scientists to implant technology into my body that will allow me to dance any time I hear music after I'm dead just like "Weekend at Bernie's." I'll perform a lengthy routine to the music that will more than likely reflect Natalie Portman's final dance scene in Black Swan. After that, I'll just jump off the scaffolding and land on my face on the stage, since I'm already dead. Michael will place me on a golden throne as the funeral continues.
This will be a perfect spot for intermission. During intermission, Shane and Shane will take 15 minutes to speak with the crowd about world missions and sponsoring a child, while everyone has a chance to get up, use the portipotties, get some Dr. Pepper or a funnel cake, and do the football throw at the DBU tent. Once we return, Michael will introduce my mom and dad to the stage. My mom will bring up her lap top on stage and just update her status on Facebook to "Sitting at Kaleb's funeral. So many people I know here! Funnel cakes smell delish!" and my dad will perform his favorite song, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, which will take precisely 4 seconds because he only knows the first line. Michael will then introduce my good friend, John Wall, who will come on stage and do his Washington Wizards introduction dance for 7 and a half minutes in silence. After he leaves the stage to no applause, Michael will introduce my last guest, Kirk Cameron. Before Kirk even comes on stage, Michael will thank him for coming and we will move on.
Michael and I will then perform the final dance scene from Save the Last Dance between Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas to an all hand bell choir playing the song "I Try to Say Goodbye and I Choke" by Macy Gray. Michael will then quickly clear the stage as I am left alone on center stage in the spotlight. The side stages will be filled with Celebrate Freedom headliners such as Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, MercyMe, The Katinas, Newsboys, U2, Kesha, Bruno Mars, Lady Antebellum, the Def Leppard drummer, a Def Poetry Jam artist, Zach Attack (Zach Morris's band from Saved by the Bell), Joey Fatone, and any surviving members of the Kaleb Moore Band. They will be playing a "we are the world" type rendition of the smash hit, "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" I will hip thrust through the entire song. Their final note will be a high E hit by new Kaleb Moore Band lead singer, Daniel Nix. At this point, I will spontaneously combust, blasting my innards all over the entire audience. Everyone will then run to their cars doing their best Kermit the Frog impression, yelling loudly with their hands over their heads and their wrists flopping wildly. South Fork Ranch will forever afterwards be set up as a historical site, and will never be stepped foot on again.
Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Merry Christmas.... For real
‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the land
Every person was smitten; child, woman and man.
The joy hung thick just like a wreath on a door
As it equalized rich folk, middle-class and poor.
The malls were small kingdoms with gates opened wide
And minions and paupers were jam-packed inside
So willing to buy from those willing to sell,
It seemed that those Kay Jewelers ads worked out well.
As the weather turned colder, their hearts heated up
As they sipped from their tall red and white Starbucks cup.
There were argyle sweaters and peacoats galore
And Ugg boots and mittens and thermals and more.
The bell-ringers chimed and the choirs all sang
Through the streets and the town-squares, their loud voices rang.
Every person was filled to the brim with good cheer.
It was their kind of Christmas, it was that kind of year.
But underneath all of the songs and the snow
Past the striped candy canes and the Christmas light glow
There was one who was not buying into the hype
'cuz his heart was pitch black, and they called him "The Gripe."
It was that time of year that the Gripe would come out,
And while others were joyful, the Gripe would just pout.
"Bah Humbug!", he'd scream to the quaint passers-by
while the boys would run scared and the girls would just cry.
"Bah Humbug to you and this whole holiday,
Save your 'Merries' and 'Jollies' and just go away!
Though my heart is as cold as the snow and the ice
This world's better when everyone's not so fake-nice!"
So the people would leave him alone on the street
Since he snarled and snapped at every person he'd meet.
'Til that one fateful day he was walking alone,
It was late Christmas Eve, everyone was at home
Except some who were packed in a church on the corner.
"I'll ruin this scene," said that awful, ol' scorner.
The Gripe walked up the steps and he slipped through the door
And he glided across that old sawdusted floor.
He was caught off guard quickly by beautiful sounds
As the small congregation sang hymns in their rounds.
He stood still in the back as he took it all in,
As they sang of the star, and the sheep and wise men.
Then they quietly crooned a familiar old tune
Of the birth that took place that one night 'neath the moon
And the child that was sent down for me and for you
And, believe it or not, was sent for The Gripe, too,
From a Father who watches us all from above.
No one ever had told The Gripe there was such love.
As he stood in that spot, in the back of the room
The Gripe's heart started opening up, like a tomb.
With his hands firmly clasped, down his cheek rolled a tear
And he finally understood their Christmas cheer.
So remember among all this holiday time
That this season is more than just nickels and dimes.
It's about a small child who was sent here to earth,
And a Savior who saw you for more than you're worth.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Youth Camp Countdown
A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to play with The KalebMoore Band (The KMB, if you will. And you will...) at the great Mt. Lebanon. We usually get to play a couple of camps each summer, but this was our only one this year, and it was a doozy. I say that because it was much larger than any camp we've ever played. There were right around 1,000 students at the camp, and I feel like I met all of them. There was a bit of nostalgia involved because I attended both children's camp and youth camp at Mt. Lebanon while I was growing up. After our sets, I would sit in the back of the sanctuary listening to Scott Venable speak while I was completely enveloped in youth sweat and stank. I realized that there is a checklist that each youth group must meet before they are allowed to return to their homes from camp. I have comprised this list below, in no particular order. Please enjoy...
1. No one can take showers more than twice. Most people pass it off as simply not having time, but the truth is that most people just forgot their soap, or they can't take showers among other people without wearing a swimsuit. Then there are your group of people who "swam this afternoon, so I don't really need to take a shower." This, of course, results in kids bringing their bags back home to mom while mom realizes she only needs to wash two pair of underwear because the rest weren't used.
2. You must wear a bandana at some point during the week. It can be wrapped around your head, your arm, or maybe even your leg, but it must be done. This has replaced guys cutting their sleeves off their camp t-shirts and wearing one of the sleeves on their head, which is what was popular in my day. Not sure which one is worse.
3. You must flirt with someone on staff. It may be the girl serving you food, the guy running blind volleyball, or even a lifeguard. If you at least came back to your friends with a "he/she talked to me!!!", then you've succeeded.
4. At least one guy in your group has to shave his head into a mohawk. There is no explanation for this. It doesn't look good, on anyone, and it ultimately results in a complete shaving of your head at home while your parents look on in disappointment. Regardless, it must happen.
5. There must be at least one night where the guys try to sneak over to the girls cabin. This usually happens on the last night after the guys have spent the first 4 days putting together the perfect plan. The unsuccessful missions result in unbelievably angry youth ministers chasing you back to your room, and you dive into your bed pretending to be asleep, swearing to yourself that you heard him say a cuss word. The successful missions usually run you directly into the only female counselor that agreed to go camping and is now sleeping on the other side of the cabin door. Most guys think it's an ogre, and they run back to their rooms and develop new ghost stories about the ogre in the girl's cabin who kind of looks like Melissa's mom.
6. At least half of the girls in each group must immediately fall in love with the drummer of the band. As a matter of fact, most girls are prepared, knowing full well that it doesn't even matter if they ever see the drummer, they are still going to fall in love with him. This, my friends, is true love.
7. There must be at least one counselor in each group that all of the other counselors absolutely hate having there. Normally you will find this counselor making statements like, "How many of y'all have ever tried the milk challenge?" or "I've got a great idea for a chant every time we walk into the cafeteria."
8. There has to be that one kid who won't do ANYTHING! He might be back in the cabin sleeping, getting lost in the woods, or is now hanging out with another church. However you slice it, this kid exists in every youth group. "Hey, where's Timmy?" "I heard him say crab soccer was gay right before he ran off into the woods."
9. There must be that guy who comes to camp only for the rec/tournaments. You know who I'm talking about. It's the guy who wears a different cut-off sleeve shirt every day, the only difference being which sport is on the front, along with gym shorts and tennis shoes. He swaggers through every rec game with a look on his face that says, "I'll give y'all a chance and just go at about 40% right now. Don't make me go 75%." He's also the guy that loses the basketball tournament in the finals and can no longer focus on worship or small group times because he is so disappointed in himself. Speaking of small group times...
10. There must be a Thursday night cry-fest. This usually begins in the sanctuary after the band has played 14 songs during invitation and spills into small groups. Usually, the youth minister is leading everyone in "Sanctuary" or "Heart of Worship" on guitar. Inside the circle, guys are breaking their Puddle of Mudd CDs. Outside of the circle, girls who have been ignoring each other all week because Lisa talked to the lifeguard even though Mandy had dibs on him are now hugging it out and snotting all over each other. If this has not happened, you simply have just not had a good week. This, of course, ends in silence while the youth minister makes everyone quietly go to their cabins so the guys can sneak over to the girls room.
All this to say, I love youth camp! And if you're reading this and you were at at Mt. Lebanon, I miss you and love you guys! WHO-oh-OH-oh-OH-oohhh!!!
1. No one can take showers more than twice. Most people pass it off as simply not having time, but the truth is that most people just forgot their soap, or they can't take showers among other people without wearing a swimsuit. Then there are your group of people who "swam this afternoon, so I don't really need to take a shower." This, of course, results in kids bringing their bags back home to mom while mom realizes she only needs to wash two pair of underwear because the rest weren't used.
2. You must wear a bandana at some point during the week. It can be wrapped around your head, your arm, or maybe even your leg, but it must be done. This has replaced guys cutting their sleeves off their camp t-shirts and wearing one of the sleeves on their head, which is what was popular in my day. Not sure which one is worse.
3. You must flirt with someone on staff. It may be the girl serving you food, the guy running blind volleyball, or even a lifeguard. If you at least came back to your friends with a "he/she talked to me!!!", then you've succeeded.
4. At least one guy in your group has to shave his head into a mohawk. There is no explanation for this. It doesn't look good, on anyone, and it ultimately results in a complete shaving of your head at home while your parents look on in disappointment. Regardless, it must happen.
5. There must be at least one night where the guys try to sneak over to the girls cabin. This usually happens on the last night after the guys have spent the first 4 days putting together the perfect plan. The unsuccessful missions result in unbelievably angry youth ministers chasing you back to your room, and you dive into your bed pretending to be asleep, swearing to yourself that you heard him say a cuss word. The successful missions usually run you directly into the only female counselor that agreed to go camping and is now sleeping on the other side of the cabin door. Most guys think it's an ogre, and they run back to their rooms and develop new ghost stories about the ogre in the girl's cabin who kind of looks like Melissa's mom.
6. At least half of the girls in each group must immediately fall in love with the drummer of the band. As a matter of fact, most girls are prepared, knowing full well that it doesn't even matter if they ever see the drummer, they are still going to fall in love with him. This, my friends, is true love.
7. There must be at least one counselor in each group that all of the other counselors absolutely hate having there. Normally you will find this counselor making statements like, "How many of y'all have ever tried the milk challenge?" or "I've got a great idea for a chant every time we walk into the cafeteria."
8. There has to be that one kid who won't do ANYTHING! He might be back in the cabin sleeping, getting lost in the woods, or is now hanging out with another church. However you slice it, this kid exists in every youth group. "Hey, where's Timmy?" "I heard him say crab soccer was gay right before he ran off into the woods."
9. There must be that guy who comes to camp only for the rec/tournaments. You know who I'm talking about. It's the guy who wears a different cut-off sleeve shirt every day, the only difference being which sport is on the front, along with gym shorts and tennis shoes. He swaggers through every rec game with a look on his face that says, "I'll give y'all a chance and just go at about 40% right now. Don't make me go 75%." He's also the guy that loses the basketball tournament in the finals and can no longer focus on worship or small group times because he is so disappointed in himself. Speaking of small group times...
10. There must be a Thursday night cry-fest. This usually begins in the sanctuary after the band has played 14 songs during invitation and spills into small groups. Usually, the youth minister is leading everyone in "Sanctuary" or "Heart of Worship" on guitar. Inside the circle, guys are breaking their Puddle of Mudd CDs. Outside of the circle, girls who have been ignoring each other all week because Lisa talked to the lifeguard even though Mandy had dibs on him are now hugging it out and snotting all over each other. If this has not happened, you simply have just not had a good week. This, of course, ends in silence while the youth minister makes everyone quietly go to their cabins so the guys can sneak over to the girls room.
All this to say, I love youth camp! And if you're reading this and you were at at Mt. Lebanon, I miss you and love you guys! WHO-oh-OH-oh-OH-oohhh!!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Salute to Forgotten Television
I was kickin' it with my roommate the other day and we were discussing the greatness of the hit TV show, Friday Night Lights. I love this show with all of my heart, and I firmly believe that this love exists because of my connection with the lead actor, Kyle Chandler. Chandler plays Coach Taylor in the FNL series, but for guys like my roommate and me, we appreciate him for what he brought to television in the 90's. Back in 1996, Kyle Chandler played the role of Gary Hobson. Gary woke up every morning to be welcomed by a cat and a copy of the Chicago Sun Times. The thing is, he was receiving the paper from tomorrow. Therefore, Gary would have a day to check out the disasters that were recorded in the paper, then do his best to prevent them. The show was called Early Edition, and it was brilliance. As my roomie and I talked about old times and the impact that show had on us, we started talking about old, forgotten 90's TV shows. It hurts my heart to know that many shows I grew up on have fallen into the TV Land Abyss if they are lucky, most don't even get the dignity of re-runs. Regardless, I have been on a "list-making" kick as of late, so I wanted to pay my respects by honoring them in my List of Shows That Ended Too Soon. You might catch a show or two that were towards the end of the 80's, but for the most part, these are all 90's gems. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or want to add to the list. (Disclaimer: Don't add Saved by the Bell or Seinfeld or The Simpsons or any show like this to the list. Those shows are NOT and NEVER WILL BE forgotten!!!)
Early Edition
Quantum Leap
Nowhere Man
Sons of Thunder
Angel
California Dreams
Goosebumps
Night Court
Just Shoot Me
Lois and Clark
Thunder in Paradise
Wings
Nash Bridges
Mad About You
Northern Exposure
Sister, Sister
Picket Fences
Unhappily Ever After
Perfect Strangers
Two Guys and a Girl (Quiz: What was the original name of this show, and what major movie star's career did this show jump start?)
Early Edition
Quantum Leap
Nowhere Man
Sons of Thunder
Angel
California Dreams
Goosebumps
Night Court
Just Shoot Me
Lois and Clark
Thunder in Paradise
Wings
Nash Bridges
Mad About You
Northern Exposure
Sister, Sister
Picket Fences
Unhappily Ever After
Perfect Strangers
Two Guys and a Girl (Quiz: What was the original name of this show, and what major movie star's career did this show jump start?)
Monday, June 21, 2010
I Won't Stand For It
I am not a man who cares for most things. That is something that I declare boldly because if you know me at all, it is a glaring character trait. I can be fairly outspoken regarding people, places, or things that are ridiculous or unnecessary. I feel like we should all be this way. There are too many things in the world that we live in that we have tolerated for far too long. If we take a stand against these things, perhaps they will go away and maybe, just maybe, life will be a little more enjoyable. I have made a short list of such things. This is not a complete list, just a number of things I have compiled over the past several weeks. Feel free to add to it if you'd like, because I certainly will be doing a "Part 2" at some point. So here it is, my official list of "Intolerable things that we tolerate."
Guys with earrings
Girls with lower back tattoos
Movies with love scenes in the rain
People who say "all that jazz"
People who still quote Napoleon Dynamite
The Wave at sporting events
People who say "bada-bing bada-boom"
Informational tweets
Southern Baptist preacher euphemisms
Hand holding above the table with elbows firmly planted and palms toward the sky while blessing the food
Affliction shirts
Toms
Glee
Commercials geared specifically toward lady problems that pop up in prime eating hours
Ke$ha
Couple pictures taken by the actual couple while extending the camera
People who say "You working hard or hardly working?"
People who say "What are you up to? No good?"
People who actually answer when you ask "How ya doing?"
All small talk in general
Guys wearing tight jeans
Guys who roll up their jeans like capris
Guys who wear tight jeans and roll them up while wearing Toms
Uggs
Bumper stickers
Concerts where the lead singer says "How ya feelin' (insert city name here)!!!"
Sandals
Movie scenes where people scream "NOOOOOO!!!" in slow motion
Guys who take the elevator to the second floor of a gym
Faux hawks
Popped collars
People who always tuck their shirts in when they don't have to
Tyrese Gibson
The movie The Day After Tomorrow
Girls who sound like a mouse being stepped on when they sneeze
Toboggans with the tiny brim
Bandanas worn on any part of the body
American flag shirts
People who call their iPhone their "iPhone" instead of just their "phone"
People who overuse abbreviations, like "fave" or "presh"
People who use text abbreviations in every day speech, like "LOL" or "BRB"
Drive-thru workers who ask if I want something else after I give my order, or make me give my order then obviously don't hear me so they make guesses about everything when they read the order back instead of just asking me to repeat myself
McDonald's commercials
The WNBA
Hemp necklaces
Intolerance
Guys with earrings
Girls with lower back tattoos
Movies with love scenes in the rain
People who say "all that jazz"
People who still quote Napoleon Dynamite
The Wave at sporting events
People who say "bada-bing bada-boom"
Informational tweets
Southern Baptist preacher euphemisms
Hand holding above the table with elbows firmly planted and palms toward the sky while blessing the food
Affliction shirts
Toms
Glee
Commercials geared specifically toward lady problems that pop up in prime eating hours
Ke$ha
Couple pictures taken by the actual couple while extending the camera
People who say "You working hard or hardly working?"
People who say "What are you up to? No good?"
People who actually answer when you ask "How ya doing?"
All small talk in general
Guys wearing tight jeans
Guys who roll up their jeans like capris
Guys who wear tight jeans and roll them up while wearing Toms
Uggs
Bumper stickers
Concerts where the lead singer says "How ya feelin' (insert city name here)!!!"
Sandals
Movie scenes where people scream "NOOOOOO!!!" in slow motion
Guys who take the elevator to the second floor of a gym
Faux hawks
Popped collars
People who always tuck their shirts in when they don't have to
Tyrese Gibson
The movie The Day After Tomorrow
Girls who sound like a mouse being stepped on when they sneeze
Toboggans with the tiny brim
Bandanas worn on any part of the body
American flag shirts
People who call their iPhone their "iPhone" instead of just their "phone"
People who overuse abbreviations, like "fave" or "presh"
People who use text abbreviations in every day speech, like "LOL" or "BRB"
Drive-thru workers who ask if I want something else after I give my order, or make me give my order then obviously don't hear me so they make guesses about everything when they read the order back instead of just asking me to repeat myself
McDonald's commercials
The WNBA
Hemp necklaces
Intolerance
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