Romance and Geometry

A few weeks ago, an old friend of mine asked me to help her out with a blog series she was putting together. Jenae Tankerlsey asked several of her friends to write down their thoughts on being 20-something and unmarried or not in extremely serious relationships. Her series was called The Waiting Room. If you haven't checked out her writing, you are doing yourself a disservice because it's great stuff. She is beyond intelligent and insightful and she captures all of that so well with her words, so I jumped at the chance to be a part of what she was doing when she asked for a guy's perspective. Well, I didn't exactly jump at the chance, because my writer's block was at an all-time high. I finally had a revelation and jotted down as many disjointed thoughts as I could before I sent it on down the line. I wrote this during my Twitter "retirement" (just leave it alone) so I couldn't share it with you guys then, but here it is now. My absurdly simple thoughts on the idea of dating...

I am 25 and single. These are the facts, there is nothing I can do about this. You may be saying to yourself, “Kaleb, you choose to be single, so there is plenty you can do about this.” That’s a negative, Ghost Writer. There is nothing that can be done, and that is what I am setting out to prove over these next several paragraphs. Now is the time for me to go ahead and state a disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form a relationship expert. As a matter of fact, I am about as far from that as one human can possibly be. However, over the last year I have discovered two characteristics that are involved in this whole dating/relationship/battle of the sexes thing that we do that not many people take advantage of and sadly, don’t even cross most people’s minds. Those characteristics can be summed up in two words: patience and pursuit.

Whether we agree with it or not, dating is a part of our lives. No, it’s never mentioned in the Bible. I doubt David and Abraham were thought of as romantics when they were “taking a wife.” No, I don’t believe cavemen really got into it. You leave no woman a choice to say “yes” or “no” when you club her over the head and drag her back to your cave. But now, in the generation we live in, dating is real and it is inevitable. It is something that must be dealt with, and everyone deals with it in different ways. I have been no different. I, my friends, have dated. Many times this has proven to be unsuccessful, sometimes memorable, always a learning experience. What have I learned, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s the beauty of dating. You think you’re getting somewhere after every relationship, and you never really are. So what do we do about this? What can YOU do?

Many times I find myself sitting and thinking about what I want in a woman. I begin to make a list. Before long, I realize my list is too long and basically impossible to satisfy. So I shorten it, I generalize, I abbreviate. When all is said and done, what I have found that I want most in a woman is confidence. I have a feeling that if every guy was honest with himself, it would all come down to this for them as well. Yes, it’s nice when a girl is latched onto your arm, hangs on your every word, worships the ground you walk on, but for me it is temporary satisfaction. I am going to make an assumption that could possibly get me in some trouble, but I am willing to bet that the large majority of women are not 100% approving of themselves. This could come in the form of personality. Some girls just aren’t happy with the way they interact or the way people respond to them. This could result in a girl shutting down when she is around people. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it could result with a girl becoming too clingy to her friends or her mate in an effort to not lose that person. This disapproval could come in a physical form. Many women are not happy with the way they look, or better yet, the way they view themselves. So many times we see this result in unhealthy habits like eating disorders. Let me take this time to mention that I attend a church (First Baptist Dallas) that has a great women’s outreach and unbelievable women who lead this outreach. These are women who have been through messy relationships, loneliness, eating disorders, and so much more and Christ has brought them through and out of it. I am so blessed by them and completely behind everything they do. I digress…

The disapproval a woman has of herself can totally define her dating relationships. Women do not like themselves, so they find someone who will. They begin a lifelong search for someone who will find worth in them. Women are, in fact, human. They want, need and desire just like everyone else, and they want desperately to love and be loved. So they place their love in all of the wrong things, and this includes the wrong men. How many times have you seen a woman be with a man that did not treat her like the bride of Christ, but she stays with him because he simply pays attention to her? Women want their existence to be known, and by all means, they deserve that right. One of the worst things a woman can do is find a man and place in Him the love, faith and dependence that she should be placing in Christ. A man’s job is not to find worth in a woman, but to reinforce the worth a woman has already found in herself. This worth can only be found when a woman gives up the search for a life partner, and begins to fall head over heels in love with a God who wants nothing but the best for her. Christ wants to bring to light your terrific qualities and highlight them. Believe me when I say, every single woman has worth. You may not see it, and you may think that others don’t see it, but it is blinding to Christ. Christ is not in the business of worthless creation. The way for a woman to find her worth is to place her love in the One who created her and allow Him to bring that worth to the surface.

This is where patience and pursuit come into play. I have always been told that a woman should bury her heart so deeply into the heart of Christ that a man would have to dig in order to find it. Women, your only option is to fall in love with Christ. When your dependence is completely in Him, it doesn’t matter if you’re 25, 30, 35 or older when you find your other half, Christ will fulfill your life. Patience. Your prince will come, but He will come when Christ beckons him. Men, your responsibility is to dig deeply into the heart of Christ until he reveals to you the heart of a woman that will complete you. As a man, there is nothing more attractive than a woman whose confidence is placed completely in Christ. I want to know that a woman wants to be with me, but I do not want to be her god. I do not want to be her savior. I am only man, and I am incapable of shouldering a load that was meant for Christ. I want a woman who loves me, but knows that if something happens to me or our relationship, her life will go on because her faith was not in me, it was in the God that we both serve. This, men, is where pursuit begins. A woman should follow Christ so closely that she demands to be pursued. A man should desire to reflect Christ so passionately that He is in constant pursuit of Him which, inevitably, puts Him in pursuit of the woman God wants Him to be with.

This is our love triangle. A triangle cannot exist without three sides. It is impossible. When one part is taken out, it becomes something it was never meant to be. But when all sides are intact, it reaches its full potential. Women, love Christ, then love yourself. Christ will take care of the rest. Let him bring your partner to you. A man who is not in hot pursuit of your love and affection is not a man who is worth being in a relationship with at all. Men, pursue Christ and you will be in pursuit of your future bride. And when God reveals her to you, reinforce everything she already knows about herself. Be the physical representation of Christ loving his followers. Love her with no expectations and no boundaries. Allow God to direct your every thought, word and action. He is the ultimate romantic and He desires for us to take our cues from Him. A perfect triangle.

Hope you enjoyed it. Believe it or not, this entire thought process is still not at rest. I am currently working on a project with my roommates that will dive even deeper into the world of dating. As much as I love to stir the pot, I can't share it with you right now. Please check back in after a month or so, I will definitely keep you updated. But I promise this, it will be interesting...